Good and Evil

So a real post today. We were talking about good and evil at church yesterday, and if God is the cause of both.

Well, today, during study hall, I was sitting in the library reading my Augustine book and I realized. How do we know what Good and Evil are? What if God just causes things to happen, but it is us who determine whether it is good or evil?

hmmmmm...

probably so many flaws in that.
please make them known to me.

from the Mountain to the City of Gold

"When shadows turn to faces, and when faces take on names
When names tell us their stories, of their brokenness and pain
When love
flows through the cities, through the grid of all the streets
under bridges in the alleys, like blood through our veins."

i thought those words are beautiful. they were a challenge to me. i've been wanting to do what they ask of me for a while now.. and i think maybe these are some of the final pushes.

Love them. love them first, not second. love them whoever they are, wherever they are. love is not only missing from the huge homes with empty rooms.. love is not just missing from the ones with no home. "love will bleed. love will heal. love will need"

i'll do that once 'god' gives me a sign.. i'll believe once... i'll go to help them once...

he already did it.
he gave you the sign.
he loved you.


love change the world.

Pretend You're Alive - Lovedrug

Oh summer life,
oh summer life,
crawling with these worms,
you're afraid of all their germs.
oh bask in life,
oh bask in life,
the weather gonna swallow you into the great divide,
oh enjoy life,
oh enjoy life,
climbing up those trees and breaking all your knees.

Watch angels in the morning become a devil's afternoon.
I will picnic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you're alive again.

Now autumn brings the beautiful things,
where all you give comes back to you like the crown upon my king.
Your life's a song,
so sing along before the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn,
watch angels in the morning become a devil's afternoon,
I will panic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you're alive again.
It's friends that leave you here in the end,
so hold your head up high and pretend that you're alive.

Your friends,
now ghosts,
are screaming "Bury us," they said,
while panicking,
my mind was broken.

photography.

i think i'm getting a Canon XS soon!
i'm so excited.

i feel like i'm following the crowd though. it's like, the new thing to be into photography. and maybe it's a good thing, because i think photography is great and should be appreciated. and i might not be as interested in it if i weren't influenced by certain people who are interested in photography. who knows.

anyway, i'm trying to make friends that are into photography so i can learn and make friends and have fun all at the same time! haha.

links:
Daley Hake
Jered Scott
Andrew Ryan Shepherd

those are just a few.

so this was a completely pointless blog but whateverrr.
hope you are all having a great friday!

an old trap..

It is early Sunday morning, and I just got home from a weekend trip to Des Moines, Iowa and St. Louis, Missouri. I am sipping coffee on my deck, reading a book by Henri Nouwen called "The Return of the Prodigal Son", and certain parts are helping me to understand aspects of my own life more clearly. They are serving to shed even more light on the things that I have written myself, and, the next time someone asks me what "Sleeping In" is about, I might start with...

"Constantly falling back into an old trap, before I am even fully aware of it, I find myself wondering why someone hurt me, rejected me, or didn't pay attention to me. Without realizing it, I find myself brooding about someone else's success, my own loneliness, and the way the world abuses me. Despite my conscious intentions, I often catch myself daydreaming about becoming rich, powerful, and very famous. All of these mental games reveal to me the fragility of my faith that I am the Beloved One on whom God's favor rests. I am so afraid of being disliked, blamed, put aside, passed over, ignored, persecuted, and killed, that I am constantly developing strategies to defend myself and thereby assure myself of the love I think I need and deserve. And in so doing I move far away from my Father's home and choose to dwell in a 'distant country'".

The story of the prodigal son in the Bible is a story of unconditional love. It is a story of how a father loves his son no matter what he has done in his past. Although parts of the above excerpt may seem overdramatic at first glance, read it again carefully. Look at your own heart and examine the things that you really want. What drives you? What drives us all today? Is it affluence and popularity? Is it acceptance or respect? Are we waking up every morning just to prove to the world that we are someone? Or do we realize that we belong the God and that He loves us no matter what? He loved us when we were helpless babies with dirty diapers, and he loves us when we are helpless adults with failing mutual funds. It's Sunday today. Rest. Rest in the Father's arms.

- Joshua

- _ - _ -

I just got home from church today and read that Blog.. and i got that 'woah this is me' when reading the quote.. "Constantly falling back into an old trap, before I am even fully aware of it, I find myself wondering why someone hurt me, rejected me, or didn't pay attention to me. Without realizing it, I find myself brooding about someone else's success, my own loneliness, and the way the world abuses me." That is me.. I don't like to say it, but I know that it's true. "Despite my conscious intentions, I often catch myself daydreaming about becoming rich, powerful, and very famous." I think i'm getting past that, but there was a time when that was very true of me as well.

I don't know.. I thought that maybe that would just hit someone else as it did to me. (:

secrets secrets are no fun..

unless you share with everyone!

haha.

i went to a postsecret seminar yesterday.
it was really interesting.
there was a part after Frank Warren finished talking and he gave the audience a chance to go up to a microphone and share a secret/ask a question/whatever. That was my favorite part.

there was this one guy, who said ever since his fiancee left him, he hadn't felt anything. he shared his pain of not feeling pain, i think, and how he hadn't smiled in a long time.
i don't want to share the whole story because i tend to ruin stories when i tell them, but that was the main jist of it, and it was my favorite one. Not to lessen the value of any of the other stories, but it was one that i could really relate to.

i've had such an easy life. i don't know why i have so many problems. maybe i create them for myself? perhaps i am just bored.

anyway.

after that, my friends and i walked to ben & jerry's for ice cream. i got a coffee milkshake. so good. but not worth the $5. and this guy came and asked if he could eat his soup with us. he said he was a medical student, in his 4th year. he said he was Catholic, and he believed that having a church to go to and commit yourself to attending on a regular basis was one of the most important things to do. my friends seemed to think he was just a random creep trying to hit on us, but i want to believe that what he said was true. that he was just lonely on a friday night and wanted some company.
he was nice. i liked him. and i can't remember his name. i hate not remembering names. it's like your brain doesn't think the person is important enough to commit their name to memory.

anyway, it was a good night.
hope yours was too. :)

a quote

"The distance between people. In miles. In time. In thought. Staggering, when you think about it."

-Judith Guest (Ordinary People)

maybe it's the exhaustion i am feeling right now. or the headache. or the rest of my sickness. or maybe it's just because i finally have time.

i have real thoughts.
that do not relate to school.


actually, untrue. i am reading this book for school. but whatevs. that is currently irrelevant.

realizations

I have begun to realize that I am one of those people that are afraid of letting themselves go. I don't have much confidence. I look to others for compliments and uplifting remarks.

I think we do need each other, that without love we cannot truly exist.
but how am i to find that love?
how am i to give myself away? to let myself go?

will i ever know?



----------------
i am sick.
i felt like blogging.
i don't know if that made any sense.
SCHOOL REIGNS!

a post long delayed

i have a question.
a lot of my friends do drugs. and drink. and maybe don't really think twice about it.

so as a person who doesn't believe in these things, what should i do about it?
i know that a lot of times it's just a social thing to do.
but i also know that they've all had their share of problems and things that they may or may not want to push away by using drugs as their vice.

and i believe in better ways.
i am scared they will get hurt.
or get addicted.
or do something they'll regret.

i don't condemn them for the choices they make.
i hope i don't judge them.
but maybe i am judging them right now.

i just need to know how i should deal with this.
because, you know that killing vs. letting die thing?
well i think letting die is just as bad as killing.
what if that's what i'm doing?
i'm just letting this get worse and worse and whatever happens, the fault will be just as much on me.
so i feel like i need to do something.
but what?
what is there to do?

just one?

saw a local band unexpectedly this past week.. and never heard of them.

i actually liked them.
=O

http://myspace.com/heroicskies

check them out please. add them if you see potential... or if you just want more friends of if you think one of them is hot or something i guess you can add them then too.

just one person check them out please?? *puppy face*
i'll give you an e-hug and e-cookies.

we've all got so many things

"Sometimes I convince myself that all is fine in the world. It not mine. Why should I have to try to fix things I didn't create or contrive?"

The music video for Do You Feel? came out friday... it made me re-fall in love with the song, but this i got a greater understanding to what the song is actually about. It's about 'having our own things' that we let get in the way of doing the things that are really important.

the words speak of thinking about how 'this hand' could create better thing, but how he's got his own things. "i've got too many issues" ..he uses his own problems as a reason to not step out to help the world around him. i know i find myself in this position. i let my own problems stop me from helping other people. i use so many other excuses as well.

well, we all have so many things..
But i know I can get past these things.
i know you can too.

these fallen leaves of mine

"Lately music has been my compass: it's neither the map, nor the road but a steady constant that can help me make sense of the both.

Most of the time, the songs that I write are more honest than I am. Sometimes I don't play certain songs for people because I'm not ready for that sort of honesty.

I don't write many happy songs, at least not lately. Which is odd because I'm a fairly upbeat guy. So I've got a few theories as to why this might be the case

It might be because life wears down on you. And you lose that part of yourself.

Or it could be because the songs are the only place where these types of ideas can find a release- like a dream where your subconscious is trying to tell you something.

Or perhaps I don't write songs when I'm happy. You know, a celebration requires a few friends and depression requires solitude.

Either way songs have become my way of finding beauty in the midst of chaos and the pain. It's a way of finding redemption for mistakes and regrets that I have.

In this way I feel like the creative process brings me closer to God. As a creator of a song I get to take all these broken fragments of failure and chaos and weave together something beautiful and meaningful. Decay. Death. Pain. Fall. And if God is a songwriter then these fallen leaves of mine can be redeemed."
-Jon Foreman

My Promise

I almost forgot my promise! But alas, I did not, so here is my REAL blog post.

Life has been pretty good to me lately. There are some things that need to be fixed, but there always is, isn't there? School is frustrating and stressful, but I enjoy it. Mostly. I've met some new people and some old people. Joined some new things. My routine life is beginning again, and I will be quite busy. But things are good. I enjoy people. I hope to be able to be around them more.

Well. Now that I think about it, I don't really know what a real blog post is supposed to be. Deep and insightful? I dunno...let me know what you want to read about. lol. and I'll type about that.

Jon Foreman concert is tomorrow! Perhaps my Switchfoot love shall rekindle tomorrow night. We shall see.

Anywho, I have nothing else to write about SO I'm gonna go back to playing piano. Heh. COMMENT!

hello

school school school. it's just not cool.

i'm tired. and stressed. and frustrated. and annoyed.

sigh. sorry. i felt like i should post and then i just complained. as always. i promise i will post an actual post this weekend when i have slept well and am happy. :)

simply.

"As every breath I take tugs me closer to my death, I await for someone to rip this boredom out of my chest and remind me what my purpose is. I pray to my God, learning to trust in Him more often, because I know He will not let me down. If ever anyone will let unsatisfy me, it will be a beautiful letdown. I wait in this uproarious silence for a voice to say, "I dare you to lift yourself off of the floor..." I need to get out there, I need to make a difference. I have to stop this deadly routine and get the hell out of here. I want to make a difference. There is hope. We need love. Love is the movement. Get up, get up, love is moving you now."

i just read that from someone's profile and i felt a sort of beauty in it. so i thought i'd share. and once upon a time my myspace said "I want to change the world, or at least witness it change in a good way. We need change. We need hope. We need love. There is hope. Love is how we get change. Love is the movement." and that is still just as true... i'm also seeing more and more that in order to be a part of that change i don't need to be famous, i don't need to move away.. i can do it here.. right now i still feel limited.. but i think next summer i'm going to try to go somewhere for a month to work.. not sure where or how but i want to. i believe we need each other, we need hope and that we don't have to leave our hometowns to do it. anyways.. i've been thinking about maybe trying to work with 'the simple way'.. they're based in Philly i believe.. but i'll have to look into that more. They've been mentioned in the book i am currently reading many times.. and i didn't realize this until now but i think they might have been mentioned in a TWLOHA blog once.. or maybe switchfoot?? idk.

i'm gonna go clean my room.. school is creeping up on us.

neglection.

i know, i know. and i'm sorry... hopefully i'll get some goods to post on here in the coming days/weeks/months.

my summer has been pretty good. how is yours going? (or ending?) i went on a mission trip a few weeks ago.. and honestly, i don't feel like i did much of anything or got much out of it. however, it was my first so maybe i wasn't really sure what to expect. Then i spent a week reading East of Eden by John Steinbeck. not a bad read. And of course this week is the Olympics! Was anyone else watching 4x100 mens relay in swimming last night? it was absolutely amazing.. and watching it live was so much better than the clips. (you can watch it here) i also plan on reading The Irresistible Revolution: living as in ordinary radical by Shane Claiborne this week. i really don't know much about it but i'm going to find out this week. And hopefully i'll be reading Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer sometime soon as well.

What have you done this summer? Got any good books or memories? Photos?

An excerpt from an email I just wrote

So. I went with my church today to go to a homeless church and serve food to some homeless people. It was fun. I enjoy doing this kind of stuff. But it just bothers me that we just serve food and go. This time there were like over 100 people, so the whole time, I just stood there and said, "Green beans?" like 200x and smiled and passed the plate on. Then we wiped the tables and left. I mean, I did have like a couple 1 minute conversations with some people but that was it. And I just left. I felt nothing. I didn't even realize it until later. How could I just leave?
But what else can I do? I mean, I wanted to give them all my clothes and money (although that would not be much) and everything i had and offer them a place to stay, but it's not like that's a realistic thing to do. I mean, we go there and everyone is so cautious. We have to use the restroom in pairs and never go anywhere alone. And I understand that, and if I were the person in charge of everyone, I would probably do the same, but I feel like that's such a judgmental thing to do. I mean, when you are just with people in like, a mall, you aren't like that. It's like, we say everyone is equal and we should treat everyone the same, but that isn't realistic. You wouldn't treat a 3 year old the same way you treat a 20 year old. Is that different when applied to a homeless person vs. someone middle class?

random fact: one person had a twloha shirt on. that was cool.

I feel so ignorant leaving there with knowledge that most of them will not have a warm place to sleep tonight and most of them will have to go to another kitchen for food the next day. that most of them have such love and wisdom in them, yet they are left neglected on street corners while I sit in my home and eat food that i never have to worry about. While I complain to my friends about how bored I am, about how I don't have the camera I want or how I have no good food left although I have 2 filled refrigerators and a packed pantry full of random crap i have the luxury of buying and forgetting about. And I know these are such typical things to say, but they are true.
And I just realized all this is so selfish of me. I want to do something so that I can live with myself. Everything I do is to make me feel better. To benefit myself. I was watching Friends the other day (I was bored) and in it, they said there is no such thing as a selfless good deed. And at the time, I didn't think it was true, but now...maybe for us who are so used to having our lives revolve around us, there is no such thing. What could I really do to help them? Is it even possible? Maybe serving food is the most we can do, seeing as it shows that we care.

Do you think every single person on this planet has a chance to make something of themselves? All the homeless people out there...do you think they got there because they made a bad choice sometime in their life? Or is that just the way life is? I've always thought everyone had equal opportunity. That everyone had the same chances...maybe that is just the result of living in America. More specifically rich suburbs of America. And their children...the children who are just born into that life..do you think everyone really has an equal opportunity to succeed (in whatever sense success means to them)? I mean, it is America. The land of opportunity. I was wiping the tables and I overheard these 2 guys talking to a little boy and telling him not to listen to his friends and to make something of his life. Maybe he is lucky. People have told me the same thing, but these people seemed to really care. He has a home, even if it isn't an actual house.

PS: listen to Jesus' Blood-Oceans Above.

How Are You?

How are you guys? I don't know who reads this thing anymore..probably no one since we are kind of slow in updating..but if you do, comment this and let us know how you are doing!

i am inspired

This man inspires me. I've been interested in photography for a while. I've been interested in music my whole life. This guy does both. I don't want to become a real pro photographer or anything, but I want to be a good one. I am inspired to buy a real nice professional camera and gain knowledge about such things. It'll take a while, but it'll happen.

In the meantime...I will focus on my music. Perhaps I will take up guitar again. It's been too long. I joined this little guitar class thing at rocketown for 2 days. I felt like such a loser. I didn't remember like, anything. Not that I really ever knew much. Anyways...time to get things done.

see ya.

indifference

i used to care so much. but now i don't. i don't know why. maybe it's because it's been so long since i've had a real, deep discussion that really challenged me. but i just don't want to think anymore. i don't want to talk about the difference between me and God.

maybe it's time i live it instead of just talking about it.

I LOVE

URBAN OUTFITTERS AND PAPER ROUTE.

that's all I have to say.

"All Creation Sings to You"

A music festival with heavy metal, punk, hip-hop and pop music might seem
like an unusual place to get baptized, but Creation is a festival with strict
rules: no alcohol, no drugs and no sex before marriage.

"It's like the Christian version of Woodstock, basically, except it's
neat and clean," said Victor Gibson, 37, from Manheim, Pennsylvania, who brought
his wife and five children aged from five to 14 to the four-day festival.

"Take a look back at the crowd," he said, as thousands of fans held
their arms in the air, pounding out the beat of a song by Christian band
Kutless, whose sound Gibson likened to Metallica. "No rioting, no fighting,
nobody getting beat up."

Lily Ellerson, a 12-year-old from Maryland, was one of nearly 200
people who were baptized in a pond on the final day of Creation, which drew
around 70,000 people in late June.

Ellerson said she decided to be baptized after hearing a speaker at one
of the side-events at the festival.

"I felt God was there," Ellerson said. "I could just see him, I could
feel him all around me, and I thought I wanted to give my full heart to
him."

Ellerson came with a church youth group of 47 people, including her
cousin Emily White, who volunteers at the church.

"You really do feel like, wow, we are in the Kingdom right now and
right here," White said. "You're living in a community of 70,000 people, without
the benefit of electricity or water, yet everybody loves each other, you don't
hear about things being stolen or fights.

"We really are living the way God made us to live."

One in four Americans count themselves as evangelical Protestants, a
growing movement with serious clout in a country where religion and politics
often mix. Creation is officially non-denominational and it drew some Catholics,
but the rhetoric of most speakers was that of "born again" Christians.

GOD IS "SMILING"
The highlight of the festival for some was the
baptism.

Barefoot and wearing shorts and tee-shirts, they waded thigh-deep into
the pond to be dunked by pastors who prayed with them, then submerged them
entirely in the water, cheered on by hundreds of emotional family members and
friends.

"Can you imagine God smiling right now?" one woman said as she
watched.

Now in its 30th year and growing bigger every year, the festival is in
many ways like any secular summer music festival -- thousands of young people
camping out, getting muddy in the rain and eagerly hunting down their heroes for
autographs.

But these music fans wore T-shirts with slogans such as "Virginity
Rocks" and "Mosh for Jesus," the dress code encouraged modesty and some friendly
fans stood around offering free hugs to passersby.

And unlike other rock festivals there was a curfew and alcohol and
drugs were strictly off limits.
Between the music, teenagers and students
attended seminars on abortion, on "Success God's Way" and one called
"BeYOUtiful" for young girls.

Matthew Benjamin appealed to one group to help spread the word of Jesus
to students in China. He urged volunteers to step forward and release brightly
colored balloons as a symbol of their pledge to give a year of their lives to
mission work.

Despite touching on some serious topics, the tone of the festival was
more celebration than sermon.

Digressing during a talk urging people to sponsor children in
developing countries, inspirational speaker Bob Lenz said he had five children,
adding: "We like how they're made."

"Sex is beautiful when it's in marriage," he said, provoking laughs.
"It's what God has designed, it's awesome, it's time to take it back and say
'God is not a killjoy."'

MUSIC WITH MESSAGE
Gibson, a father of five and one of few African
Americans in a largely white crowd, said he preferred hip-hop but he was happily
singing along to Kutless. "Music makes you feel something but the end goal is to
lead you to God," he said.

"What's important is the message behind the music."

Kutless guitarist James Meade, 25, said he was saved by Jesus after
years of being abused as a child, spending time in jail for dealing drugs and
nearly dying of alcohol poisoning on his 17th birthday.

"We're five individual guys who have really experienced what the Bible
and what the Gospel talks about in meeting Jesus Christ personally," Meade said
in an interview. "It's not just music for the sake of art."

Much of the music spoke more directly about God.

Group 1 Crew sang a song called "Forgive Me" that was like a hip-hop
version of Psalm 23, including the words "Though I walk through the valley of
the shadow of death." Chris Tomlin had a crowd of around 30,000 singing along to
his version of "Amazing Grace."

"A lady just came up to me about an hour ago, she said 'You know, I
really don't like this music much, but I know it's good for the kids, I see the
way they relate to it,"' festival founder Harry Thomas said in an interview.

there was another paragraph or two.. but i thought it was a rather lame way to end the article.
but i really just felt like shouting an amen after reading this: "You really do feel like, wow, we are in the Kingdom right now and right here," White said. "You're living in a community of 70,000 people, without the benefit of electricity or water, yet everybody loves each other, you don't hear about things being stolen or fights.
"We really are living the way God made us to live."

it's so beautiful. so many people gathered together to have a good time, to hear some good tunes, some good messages, and to return home a different person. you look around and you really feel like this could be a city. that this could be your home. i honestly think it would be beautiful to be able to live at a setting at creation for a year. it's weird. i don't know i can explain it. :)

Love Affair

Fell past a cheekbone hill
To a piece of her floor
The hope of the world
in an awkward spill
-Copeland

beautiful. love it.

make it go away.

I hate taking naps. I usually can never take them, but these last few days I've been so tired, I actually have. I slept for about 3 hours today, and now I'm incredibly tired and worn out. I hate feeling like this.

Summer is already half over. What do we do with our time? What have you done with yours? My summer has been good and bad and fun and sad and hard. There's so much left in life that I have not experienced. That I have not yet had the chance to enjoy. I wanna love. I want to be kind and wise and loving and helpful. I don't want to waste my time here. I want to spend my time loving people and learning and experiencing joy and pain and peace and sorrow. What frustrates me is that I don't know how.

i thought you had it in you.

I am so tired. And sad. Which is not a good combination. At all. I feel so pathetic.

I have a newfound appreciation for skateboarding. I wish I could skateboard. This past week I've been going to the skate park and taking pictures and I just love the atmosphere there. It's very teamwork oriented and everyone is so persistent and easy-going. If the fall, they try again and again and again until they get it. I love it. And they're all so nice. It's crazy. I don't even know how to describe the atmosphere there, but if you ever have a chance to go to Rocketown, go. If I could skate, I'd go there all the time. Or, at least, I'd want to. This is one of the few pictures I took in there that actually turned out okay. You can't tell, but he's jumping over like, 11 skateboards, stacked on top of each other. It was pretty cool.

everything will be alright.

I love summer. It's probably my favorite time of year. No school, cool/hot, no stress, just time to sit and relax and do whatever you want. I love it. But there is one thing I hate. Going to camps, meeting some awesome people, and never seeing them again. I hate that.

I like people. I am a fairly awkward, quiet person, but I enjoy meeting people and making new friendships. Today, I sat in the skate park and talked to this kid. He was pretty cool. Tomorrow is the last day at Rocketown and I am not a regular rocketown go-er. I wish I was, but I'm not. And this kid isn't going to be there tomorrow! You have no idea how sad that makes me. And I cannot, for the life of me, find him on myspace. And I don't know how he'll find me cuz I made it so no one could.

It kills me. I love these people. I wish I lived closer to rocketown so i could go there more often.

And you know what else I hate?
Expensive clothes. I love shopping. My favorite clothing item in the world is the sweater. I LOVE sweaters. Like, I literally drool over them. I do. I love them that much. And they're always SO expensive. So I think I'm gonna splurge. I think I'm gonna splurge on this beautiful sweater at American Apparel. It's $44. Ridiculous, but I suppose I'll wear it quite often. And it really is BEAUTIFUL. Gosh, this is all so depressing. I need to think more happy thoughts. I wonder how angry people live. Do they have to hide from themselves and reality when they are alone so as not to turn crazy?

I'm stealing this from Pete

I didn't ask Pete if I could post this, but it's on the Switchfoot boards, so I don't think it really matters. I've come back to this discussion I had with Pete a long time ago about the Holy Trinity and I thought I'd post it here and get some of ya'll opinions. Sorry it's reallyyy long..

Now, there's the trinity, which is God the Father, the Holy Spirit and God the Son. The symbolism here gets to be pretty beautiful. If we look at The Son as us on Earth, that part that is both human and Godly, that limited conciousness, then we can assume that The Father is the sum of all the little parts. The Father would be the ultimate conciousness, the great combination of all the little Sons running around being concious in their own little ways. That leaves a fair amount of separation. So, for the trinity to be complete, there has to the The Spirit. I believe, and this is where we might disagree, that The Spirit is the ability for The Father and The Son to intersect. And here's where the symbolism gets lovely: an intersection is shapped like a cross. Love it.

Anyway, I believe that through The Spirit we, even as humans, can do things that are truly divine. Love, care for one another, make choices to help each other. Somtimes it's very small things, but they can be very significant. I think it is also important that they are small. For, if as we have agreed that our conciousness is a part of God and that God is the summation of all our conciousnesses, whatever happens to us happens to God. Like Jesus said "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers you do unto me." Right? So in this context, the smallest charity can be seen as divine since, in the grand scheme of things, we are only capable of such tiny charities, but they can mean so much to the person receiving them.

That all being said, I think The Spirit is our ability to intersect, if only so very breifly with The Father. It's true that we cannot become God and we cannot, I suppose, become truly divine until we die and our conciousness returns to God, but in our own little ways I think we can definitely do wonderful things and beautiful things and reach that intersection from time to time. It's just so hard to tell when we are there, since it's so hard to tell the consequences to our actions.

--------------------
Anyway, I think we are all the Son of God in that we are all offshoots of God. If we all have a piece of God, our consciousness, in us, then we all must be His sons. I think Jesus, and maybe some others, like the Saints or Buddha, etc, was the only one to really epitomize the term, being as close to God as a human can, but I don't think that counts the rest of us out. For instance, there's a lot of theory about the Torah and Numerology, right? And they believe that the entire Torah is one huge word/number that God spoke that started Creation. That's sorta the wattered down version of it. Anyway, they've actually found evidence, when you look at the numbers, that there is a link to this huge long number and human DNA. Freaky, huh? So they thought maybe Jesus's DNA had a code sequencing that was uncannily close to the Torah number.

I digress. I think the distance from God is important, though. Take angels for instance. When you really get down to thinking about it, angels are basically mindless, soulless automatons that do God's bidding. They have no ability to really reason or think for themselves, which is why, I presume, they would be allowed to close to God. (This is all based off of traditional mythology, most of which is completely outdated, but it still teaches us a valuable lesson). Now, us humans have that distance from God, even if we are all part of God in the end. That distance allows us to have free will, but because we have Grace, we are not cut off from God. We can choose evil and then choose to return to God. And through our journeys, everything we experience God experiences. Which is why we can never be God, because He experiences everything at once at all times. We could never bear that with our limited consciousness. So we have to journey through life trying to experience as much of it and trying to experience other people's experiences as much as possible, knowing that everything we experience God experiences and that although we are cut off from Him we are still a part of Him. That's what I think it means to be the Son of God.

---------
comment and let me know what you think!

could i do it.

I love when no one is home, but me.. and i can play guitar with all my might and sing out all that is in my heart and lungs. That is worship to me... sometimes i wonder if i could lead people into that with me. If i could stand with them and help them lift their voices in truth. If i could make it simple and sweet.. and also loud and roaring. I wonder if my favorite love songs could become theirs... i wonder if i could help them.. if i could help be god's love towards them. I wonder if i could ever make art that could help someone reach God or God reach them. I wonder if i could do it in front of lots of people without being to nervous and being totally open, honest and with my heart worn on my sleeve. I wonder if i could do it without worrying to much of how it sounds or how i look.. but i also wonder if i could make it sound good and pleasing to the ears. I wonder if i could cry in front of them.. If i could honestly pray in front of them.

i wonder if i could do it.

Souls aren't built of stone

I watched House tonight. I can't really say i watch the show, because that was my 2nd time.. But it got me thinking about life. The summer for me i think gets me into a mode where everything is material. I don't spend nearly as much time around people as i do during the school year.. and i think that it plays quite a toll on me mentally. House was dead for a while during this episode and he saw nothing and remembered nothing and so concluded that there was nothing more.

If we came from nothing.. wouldn't we only be material. Humans have to be more than material. feelings and emotions are not material. If evolution with no creator was only in plants i think i could believe it. But creatures have another side to them. We can think, see, smell, feel, taste, and hear... Humans even have the ability to reason. We can step outside of ourselves and play ourselves in another setting.. we can imagine.

The last two weeks of school i spent some time disecting a pig. a lifeless pig. What is life? What is a soul?

here we will sit in the snow

School's out. I feel like I should be rejoicing but I'm not. I've looked forward to this for so long, yet, I'm not happy.
I have this thing with time. I suppose we are always aware of it, always trapped in it. And I have this lingering depression with it, that normally I can suppress, but when it gets too big for me, too close, too dangerous, everything comes back.
I feel like I should be doing something. Getting involved. Helping out somehow. But I don't know how. I have almost 3 months to do something. Anyone got any ideas?


ps: listen to this: www.myspace.com/anniversaire

sorry guys. i bet no one checks this anymore...we are slow in posting. once school is over though, i promise i'll post more. ;)

so i guess i'll just ramble, it seems like all my posts are questions, so i guess i should switch it up a bit.

Hmm, I'll make some lists.

Things to do:
1. finish math packet
2. study math
3. do all french online tests
4. do workbook, revision, assessment, and l.c.
5. get sf tickets!!
6. call city hall and see if the Augustana show is 18+
7. call my orchestra director and receive her advice
8. practice violin!!!
9. memorize all my countries and capitals
10. email Adam back

Favorite Songs of the Moment:
1. The Way We Get By-Spoon.
2. The Last Thing On Your Mind-Lights
3. Violet Hill-Coldplay
4. Yellow- Coldplay
5. Twenty Years- Augustana

Death Cab will probably get on there once I get around to listening to their new stuff.

and now i gotta go vacuum..
cyaaa

free at last. (writing)

I miss the simplicity of writing. I feel like English/Literature has totalled killed my ability to write without caring what people really think.. without trying to be proper or use a better phrase.. to simply right what is on my mind.

I actually takes work to simply write... to not go back and to correct- but to keep writing in a forward-not going back-fashion.

We are now doing 'Journals' rather than Formal papers... and it's so hard- i have a lack of inspiration and creativity and i feel like i have to fit my writing in a box from all those formal papers. i feel like i no linger really no how to write... yet writing this is making me feel like i might be able to just type.. and it feels so good to not care.

i think i might be closer to being free at last.

Why do you run? Why do you hide?

quick question.
how do you stand up for your beliefs? If someone is bashing what you believe, how do you react?

Hallelujah

I love love love love love this. Rufus Wainwright's version might top this one, but this one comes in pretty close. Phil is one of my favorite worship artists. I will admit that like most everyone else, I have kind of fallen away from Christian music (though definitely not entirely), but I guess I'm just a sucker for worship music. It's just so beautiful. So simple but beautiful. I've never stopped loving it. It changes something inside of me, you know?

anyways, that was my little ramble. goodnight my friends! :)

floor falls through at concert

More than 40 injured after floor collapses at church concert in B.C.
1,200 people pack sold-out Christian rock show in Abbotsford

Paramedics treat injured teenagers outside Central Heights Church in Abbotsford, B.C., Friday night.

(CBC)
More than 40 people were taken to hospital — three with serious injuries — after the floor caved in at a packed concert in an Abbotsford, B.C, church late Friday night.

"We were dancing in the front of the stage," Kyle Weber, a teenager who was at the Christian rock concert, told CBC News. "The floor just collapsed. All the speakers just fell down [and] crashed a lot of people.... A lot of people fell through the floor. "

At least 23 people were sent to MSA Hospital in Abbotsford, while 16 people were diverted to nearby hospitals in Mission, Chilliwack and Langley, local health officials told CBC News late Friday night. Two more were taken to Vancouver General Hospital.

Police in the Fraser Valley community said they didn't know how many people were actually hurt in the incident at Central Heights Church, but they confirmed that at least three people were hospitalized with serious injuries.

A teenager was taken away by a stretcher outside Central Heights Church after the church floor caved in late Friday night during a packed rock concert.

(CBC)
Karen Thiessen and her eight-year-old-son were at the concert when "the heavy lights above the auditorium started to fall towards the crowd" at around 9 p.m., she told CBC News.

A mosh pit in front of the stage was filled with teenagers, she said, and they were jumping and dancing. After the lighting fell, the floor beneath the mosh pit collapsed, she said, and the people on it fell through to the basement about three metres below.

About 1,200 people were watching the concert at the church, at 1661 McCallum Road, she said.

The sold-out event featured contemporary Christian rock band Starfield, and a couple of warm-up bands were playing their music when the accident happened, Thiessen said.

Several concert-goers — most of whom were teenagers — were cared for by paramedics at the scene, Thiessen said. She and her son, Isaac, were not hurt.

Ian Hern, a youth pastor at the concert, said there were hundreds of youth jumping and dancing at the time.

"All of a sudden, one of the light poles started to tilt and then the whole floor just caved," Hern said.

Some of the young members in his group suffered injuries such as a broken arm or a dislocated shoulder, Hern said.

"Obviously, the church floor wasn't built to handle that number of people," Hern said.
RCMP from the nearby communities of Langley and Mission were called in to assist the Abbotsford police.

Extra doctors and nurses were also brought in to help paramedics treat the injured, police said.

---

"The front of the sanctuary floor collapsed and dozens of people fell through to the floor below. Lights also fell on the audience. "

The accident happened during the third song by Christian rock band Starfield, just after 9 p.m.

Mark Maney told CTV News right before the collapse, Starfield frontman Tim Neufeld started screaming for everyone to get out.

"It was terrifying as everyone started screaming. Water started pouring out of the pipes that had been in the floor falling on the victims who fell," Maney said.

"There was also a faint dust that rose in the air, probably from the debris of the floor. The scaffolding which the speakers were on slowly started to fall, stage left first followed by the stage right speakers and landed in pews that still had people in them."

The church was built in the 1980s.

if you pray.. now would probably be a good time.

Why would you ever complain or whine..?

Why would you ever complain, O Jacob,
or, whine, Israel, saying,
"God has lost track of me.
He doesn't care what happens to me"?
Don't you know anything? Haven't you been listening?
God doesn't come and go. God lasts.
He's Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn't get tired out, doesn't pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired,
gives fresh strength to dropouts.
For even young people tire and drop out,
young folk in their prime stumble and fall.
But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind.


i love that.
Isaiah 40:37-31 - the message.

from the colors of fall.

to the Fragrance of Spring

and things like chemistry

Sometimes I wonder if all I am is my mind... if there's some guy behind the curtain feeding in these various things that would come from my senses... making me think this is real, but it's not.

Sometimes I wish it was 300 years ago... that i was a 15 year old girl... nearly a woman. That I worked and worked... that i stayed at home and learned how to keep a home and how to raise a family... and learn about life. School is just a bunch of memorizing anyways.

Sometimes I realize what a selfish, immature person I am. I often wish for change. I rarely do anything to change. I never put other people first enough... I forget to consider others and just do what seems best to me in that current moment.

I wish for change.
I want to be the change.
I need to change.
Change needs to be something I do and not just something I want.

He Gives and He Takes

So I am discussing death with my youth minister right now. He says death cannot be part of God's plan, he sees death as the opposite of life, etc., etc. I disagree. Here's my email so far. I just wanted to know what you all thought about it. It's not much but I don't have much time at the moment. I just wanted to make a quick post and get some more thoughts on this.

But I'm not defining death as the opposite of life. I'm talking about literal, physical death, which is not, in my opinion, the opposite of life. That's like saying love and hate are opposites. At first glance they might be, but upon closer inspection, you begin to realize they are more alike than you may think. Death does not go against life. Especially if you believe in an afterlife, and I know you do, so I don't understand why you are saying this. Under that belief, death is just an entrance to a new life. Don't so many 'Christian' songs talk about how they are so excited to meet God? To see him and be with him? So WHY is death such a horrible thing to you? Shouldn't it come as a joyful thing? I mean, Christians should be (and apparently are) excited for death! I mean, of course there are the people left behind, but like I said, much, much good comes from death. The good outweighs the bad, from my experience. Death is part of life. Life is about learning, about experience, about thinking and growing. Death plays a huge role in that.

I'm gonna stop there. That should be enough to get your brain rollin'. :)

Under the Banner of Heaven

So I just finished reading this book "Under the Banner of Heaven" by Jon Krakauer. It's about Mormonism (mostly Mormon Fundamentalism), focusing on the Ron and Dan Lafferty and allowing us to understand where they were coming from when they decided to kill Brenda Lafferty and her little girl. I've never known much about Mormonism so I thought this book was really interesting. It's fascinating really, reading about these people's revelations from God. There was a part where this one guy gets a revelation from God and the people he's living with hears people talking in his room (he's the only one in there) and sees a light coming out. They said that in the morning, they couldn't look at him because he was like, radiating brightness. And there's countless stories like this. I'm not real sure what to think. I feel like just blowing it off is a cop-out, but I honestly don't know how to explain it. Some people I can tell are just frauds, but there's others who are sincere with their beliefs. I would never subscribe to Mormon beliefs, and I definitely wouldn't ever subscribe to Mormon fundamentalist beliefs, but some stuff, you just have to ask yourself, "what is true? what do I believe?" (by the way, I probably would never subscribe to Christian beliefs either, had I not grown up in the religion.)

How cool would it be to talk to God? How cool would it be to have an angel appear to you and instruct you to go dig up golden plates?? What would you do? What would you do if God appeared to you and told you to go kill someone?

also, perhaps if any Mormons are reading this, they can clarify for me, but it seems like a LOT of Mormonism is about the afterlife. You baptize dead people to get them into heaven (this seems to imply that no matter who you are, if you are baptized, you go to heaven). It seems like the ultimate threat is "if you don't do this, you're going to hell". Everything seems to be about keeping things pure and if a 'Gentile' touches you, you better go wash that dirt off your skin or you're going to hell! That might be an exaggeration but you get my point. Someone told me that the LDS temple place around where I live (I forgot what it was called) that only people at high 'levels' can enter once opened up for the public to come and see, and when it was over, they stripped everything down and redid everything, just cause it was 'contaminated'. I dunno. It seems like spending your whole entire life worrying about whether or not you are good enough to go to heaven is a sad way to live. But I don't know.

Comment & let me know what you think.

and I hope I didn't say anything offending, if I did, please let me know.

10 days late.

it's been a little while since i've gotten around to posting.. sorry.

Sunday i was baptized... and there were some other things that happened that day that i never imagined would have happened. i'm very thankful.

so then i lost my ipod on monday.. i think it's in my house.. i just don't know where. not too happy about that... my parents don't seem to want to help - which i understand.. it's just i know that at this rate i won't find it for at least a month.

Tuesday.. american idol was a let down. the only performances i really liked was michael johns.. followed by jason, kristy, and archy.

Wednesday.. mom has off.. we watch idol gives back.. i found it rather boring honestly.

Thursday - WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU AMERICA??? <3 michael johns. goodbye. come out with an album please.

Friday - today. report card = good.

i don't know what to think... but honestly i'm starting to miss music. :S a few days without it really makes a big difference.

For the talent show i plan on doing this song:

i just need to figure out some of the lead guitar...

and this = <3:

wake up, you're alive.

I don't have anything to say, but no one's updated this thing in a couple days, so I'm gonna say a bit.

I'm really happy right now. I've been really happy lately. I dunno why..I don't really even think it's happiness as much as it is joy, you know? It's crazy. I have some wonderful people in my life and I am just really happy to be alive. So what if I have a C in Bio right now? So what if I've pretty much failed my last 3 math quizzes? I'm happy! I'm alive! I'm readyyyyyyyyyy

Graceful Ghost

i really like piano again. i think it's all the encouragement i've gotten lately. not that it matters. anyways, i'd just like to share this brilliant piece of work by non other than mr. william bolcom.

the person in the mirror

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.
After that I liked jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this ever happened.

I'm currently reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I'm really enjoying the book so far. I've found myself thinking that's me often as i flip through the pages.

As i looked at a news article on Fox, i couldn't help but wonder how these things were actually happening. How could anyone do that?

-Texas Man Gets 25 Years in Jail for Burning Infant Daughter in Microwave Oven
-Man Claims to Speak 'Australian' After Allegedly Being Raped by Wombat
-Physics Teacher Allegedly Gets Student Pregnant, Takes Her to Get Abortion
-Woman Who Sat on Toilet for Two Years Still 'Very Sick'
-Two Snipers Sought in Six-Car Shootings Along Virginia's Interstate 64, More State Troopers on Patrol
-Lawsuit: Female Tigers Fans Unknowingly Starred in 'Soft Core' Videos
-Report: Spitzer Linked to Second Prostitution Ring
-Reward Offered for Ohio Woman Accused of Sex With 14-Year-Old Girl
-Police Shut Down Italian Circus After Woman Forced to Swim in Piranha Tank
-Woman Involved in University of Louisville Hostage Situation Charged With Killing Her 2 Children
-Oregon Woman Who Said She Had Sex Change Now Claims 'He's' Pregnant

Some of the stories are more weird than disturbing... but my question is- who could do these things?
Could you?

So i've been watching Nightline with Ted Koppel lately. He isn't as smart as Ray Swarez but he tries, and that counts. He's been in the Congo, in Africa, and it has been terrible. I mean the show is fine, but the Congo isn't doing so well. More than 2.5 million people have been killed in the last three years. Each of eight tribes is at war with the other seven. Genocide. As the images moved across the screen I would lie in bed feeling so American and safe, as if the Congo were something in a book or a movie. It is nearly impossible for me to process the idea that such a place exists outside of Portland. I met with Tony the Beat Poet the other day at Horse Brass and told him about the stuff on Nightline.

“I knew that was taking place over there,” Tony said. “But I didn’t know it was that bad.” I call Tony a beat poet because he is always wearing loose European shirts, the ones that lace up the chest with shoestring. His head is shaved, and he has a long soul patch that stretches a good inch beneath his chin. He isn’t actually a poet.

“It’s terrible,” I told him. “Two and a half million people, dead. In one village they interviewed about fifty or so women. All of there had been raped, most of them numerous times.”

Tony shook his head. “That is amazing. It is so difficult to even process how things like that can happen.”

“I know. I can’t get my mind around it. I keep wondering how people could do things like that.”

“Do you think you could do something like that, Don?” Tony looked at me pretty seriously. I honestly couldn’t believe he was asking the question.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Are you capable of murder or rape or any of the stuff that is taking place over there?”

“No.”

“So you are not capable of any of those things?” he asked again. He packed his pipe and looked at me to confirm my answer,

“No, I couldn’t,” I told him. “What are you getting at?”

I just want to know what makes those guys over there any dif ferent from you and me. They are human. We are human. Why are we any better than them, you know?”

Tony had me on this one. If I answered his question by saying yes, I could commit those atrocities, that would make me evil, but if I answered no, it would suggest I believed I am better evolved than some of the men in the Congo. And then I would have some explaining to do.

“You believe we are capable of those things, don’t you, Tony?”

He lit his pipe and breathed in until the tobacco glowed orange and let out a cloud of smoke. “I think so, Don. I don’t know how else to answer the question.”

...I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what the Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror.

i know that was long. i don't know if anyone will read it... But i hope that at least one person besides me does.
Also those quotes were taken from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz and i have no rights to that text. :)

Could this be our last dance?

What if I gave up? What if I gave in? What if I stopped caring? It's too complex and I'm still young. I don't need to be thinking about such things.
I've often wondered if it was just a cop-out for me. I could push aside my worries about life, and instead think about this. But I don't think it was. I know if it I pushed it aside, it'd just come back, bigger than ever. But it hasn't. And I feel not regrets, no loss, no lies, no nothing. I feel nothing. These months of thinking have amounted to nothing. But I'm not experiencing the pain or fear or hurt that others have described. I don't feel anything. It just happened. Just like everything else. Maybe it's all fake. Maybe this is all a dream. But it's not. I know it's not.

But something must be wrong. Why don't I feel anything? The things I experience, it just passes me by. My sister weeps while I sit and feel bad for being emotionless. Feel bad for thinking of something funny and try to suppress my laughter during such painful times. It's like these things are real to me in my mind, but in my heart, they haven't yet occurred.

i am cruel.

brilliance and arrogance

People's words affect me. I think words affect everyone, no matter how much someone truly believes they don't care what anyone else thinks. Everyone cares what other people think; some more than others, but I don't think it's possible to not care at all. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I lost where I was going with this...oh well. I have 2 weeks worth of math homework to do, plus a billion tests/quizzes to study for. I have no idea how I'm going to get any of it done.

Anyways, this amazes me. This Kempf guy plays Beethoven really well. I wish I could play like him..

the culprit

I've been contemplating the affect of technology on us as individuals lately and how it causes us to become isolated, alone, and a virtual island. When we're engrossed in MySpace, texting, Facebook, email, or whatever; we're losing that human element. There's something that happens when people talk, it's more than information transferring. It's personal, serious, and means more. Why is it easier to say things on the internet than in real life? ...because you don't have to see their reaction or fear the rejection.

I think that the culprit for issues like self-injury, suicide, and that sort is the unwillingness of people to communicate face to face and making themselves into islands. (This may be because of sheer laziness, but that's another topic) This causes people to feel alone, feel unnecessary, feel useless. We're spending time infront of a computer screen rather than infront of another human being; investing into them and being invested into as well.

I would encourage you to make the effort to hang out with friends together, not online, get a ride, make a drive, take a walk. It'll be worth it and solve so many of our issues. ...and listen to people; be trust-worthy and respect their issues, don't make jokes when they're talking to you. Also, don't puke all of your issues on some random person, only talk about that stuff with people you know you can trust. Ok, that's about as much advice as I have right now.

AND REMEMBER----No one is perfect. We are all sinners equally. No one person better than another. Love everyone, because, for some reason or another, the one man who walked the Earth who WAS worthy to judge, refused to do just that, and chose to love instead. Heal.

Ben.

---
linkage.
Ben's Myspace.

fallen plans.

today, i was reminded that i can't always have my way.

i wanted to go very badly. i had things i wanted to talk about and people i wanted to chat with... I had things planned. i had things i was suppose to do.

i didn't go, i didn't talk, i didn't do what was expected of me.

my ride couldn't take me.

and it is so easy to complain and to blame... and i did.. but i know that there was an honest good reason why they couldn't... but it still hurt. i felt that i was being let down and so were the people around me.

i really have no clue where i'm going with this... but i'm thankful that i'm feeling a bit better.

i guess i'm curious if anyone else's plans have gone down the drain recently.. and how do you deal with it when you do?

the need to stop

Church. it's something that is so twisted. Somehow we got this idea that church is a place where we are suppose to be quiet, listen to some boring pastor, and sing some cheesy jesus music. it's a place where the goody-goodies go. it's a place where you try to look good. you don't want people to think you have any problems.

that's not what i want and that's not what is going to help me get closer to God. I don't believe that what he intended either.

What i want from church might be the wrong way about it.. it's selfish. but i know that there are people who need something different. they need it.

Imagine just meeting with some friends every week or w/e you planned. talking, hanging out, playing games... but then taking the time to sit down and have a more organized talk. With maybe a leader, but everyone involved in the conversation. You wouldn't have to talk if you didn't want to. You wouldn't have to change anything. But even more than this- it would be a place that you could come to knowing that you would be accepted and loved no matter what you've done, no matter what you look like. a place where it was safe to tell things from the depths of your heart. A place to show your scars and a place to sing your guts out if you need to. a place that was real. where people actually cared. You could show up in your sweat pants- they wouldn't care. and it wouldn't stop after church- you were friends and did thing together any day anywhere. A place that you wouldn't feel the need to change to attend.

yes christ died for us when we're still sinners. you don't need to change for him. and those who are trying to follow his example shouldn't give that image. but often they do. sometimes they don't... but it's so hard to step out and say 'hey this is my heart'

maybe you're a drug addict.
maybe you cut.
maybe you're an alcoholic
maybe you cry yourself to sleep every night.
maybe you feel alone.
maybe you've killed someone.
maybe you watch porn, you masturbate.. you're a sex addict.
maybe you feel overwhelmed.
maybe you've hurt someone you love.
maybe you're pregnant.
maybe you've had an abortion.
maybe you are beaten by someone you once loved.
maybe you're suicidal.
maybe you just want a friend.
maybe you're the only one.
maybe you dreaming of the 'right gal/guy'
maybe you just want attention.
maybe you've stolen.
maybe you're gay.
maybe you just want to be accepted.
maybe your loved one died.
maybe you're a liar.
maybe you're not honest with yourself.
maybe you've given in.
maybe all of this, maybe a million times more.
maybe, maybe, maybe.

maybe you're a girl and that's something only guys do.
maybe you're a guy and it's something that only girls do.
maybe you're supposed to be perfect- you grew up a goody-goody.
maybe you've been there all your life.

this is who the church is meant for.

so why don't we design our churches to reach out for these type of people?
there's so much hurt out there.. so much pain.
their hearts, our hearts- they're screaming.
they want to be answered.
we need to stop the bleeding.

i wish i knew what all this meant. i wish i could change the world. i wish that this blog wasn't so choppy. i wish that this blog could do it all. i wish i could touch your heart. i wish that people didn't feel like they had to hide.

i hide. i'm covering it all up. i care more about my image than i do being open and honest with others... i need to change. but i'm scared.. i have to choose between what i have now versus what i could have. i need to let go of all that i hold.. but it's scary.

but i need it.

you need it.

I have a hole in my stomach...

This thing needs an update. I don't really have anything to say though...let's see.

Complaining. What do you think of it? For example, I have wanted to complain about the pain I have had to go through after surgery, but really, should I? There's always the "what about the kids starving in Africa?" thing... Why should I be complaining when I have a roof over my head, people who love and care for me, and food at the table every day?
But then there's another voice, that says it is okay, because although there's always people much worse off than me, there's also many, many people who have never and will never have to go through as much as I've been through (which, admittedly, can't be much in the big scheme of things).

I don't want to make this long, so I'll leave it at that. What do you think?

i once was blind, but now i see

i sat there anxious in the passenger seat wanting to get there on time. We're almost always late it seems.. finally! it's just right around the corner!! oh. wait.. why is there a car with one of those flashing lights on the top blocking off the road? As i glance behind the car i notice a fairly large branch on the road, but i know our car was small enough to get by. oh well, we take the left and then make a few rights to get to church. Another car pulled in just as we were- i must not be too late.

practice went well. the last song isn't one of my favorites, but somehow it seemed more fun than it normally does... i looked forward to getting to play it.

the day went on as normal..we went up and were leading worship. it seemed like a lot of the songs ended up quieter and slower- which is fine (i just like a few fast loud ones..lol).. we messed up a transition- but it was fine.

i love the sounds of all the different instruments. the keys, the piano, the violin, the flute, the bass, the drums, the acoustic, the electric all following the same pattern in a different way.. 'G C D C' ..the vocals- all of you is more than enough for all of--blep. the sounds were no longer blending so well... it all faded quietly and the music sheets weren't readable.
we lost power.

we never did get to that last song.. but sometimes that's how life goes. the lights go out... a tree falls down on the power lines right outside your house. it happens.

the service continued- we finished off the worship with amazing grace, which was beautiful... and then our pastor gave the message by candle light.

though we couldn't necessarily see- all we can see is not that important. the trees, the faces, the rivers, the cities, the clouds, the stars - they're all great. vision is something i love... but all this shall pass. and the colors we see today will all pass. it really doesn't matter what the color is that the words are displayed on.. it doesn't matter if you match perfectly. it doesn't matter what building you have church in... it doesn't matter what things look like. it's their message, the inside, that counts.

i wish..

i wish i had something deep and meaningful to write...
but honestly all i'm thinking is-

i'm so tired.
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!
i'm even more tired.
i have to get up early tomorrow.
there's still dirt under my nails.
i'm pooped.
we'll probably have a lil' jam tomorrow.
i'm hungry.
i have a job!!
i need sleep.

yeah.. i can't really think straight.

hopefully i'll be able to come up with something tomorrow... those three papers for Lit should help me get into the creative writing mode.

but i guess one thing i'm seeing is how a busy lifestyle (which i really don't have) can really pull someone down if they do it too much. I have a hard enough time keeping my priorities straight... but it also good to stay a bit busy. "idle hands are the Devil’s workshop". If you haven't discovered this in yourself- i have. it's true... but i often feel like there's nothing that i can do or nothing i really want to do. But he can also work when we're stressed i've found.. or when we're overwhelmed. Sometimes we just want an escape.

so there's the point for today: stay busy, but don't allow yourself to get too stressed.

sorenositis, revolutions, & red balloons

i hate colds.










all i wanted was a nice box of tissues. (Puffs are lovely).. but no- all my school has are the kind that leave your nose sore (like the puffs commercial when the nose runs away).

Even the toliet paper we use at my house is softer than those tissues from school!! :(

video -yes, that was me today.

Moving on...
EDITTED
if anyone has any comments on stinky tissues please leave a comment!
Thank yah. :)
*sneezes*

just a slab of clay

One thing i really don't care to know about.. is my guts. You know what i'm talking about. It's all that crap that my body is made up of. I for one, am perfectly content with the idea that i have a body, it either functions correctly or it doesn't, end of story. If something needs to be fixed a doctor who actually finds that sort of thing interested can take care of it for me.

They're constantly trying to help people to live longer, to be stronger and healthier. That's a good thing. If were given something we should use it to the best of our abilities.

I know of a lady whose life was on the line today. She was in a coma and they didn't think she would could out of it, and if she did they didn't think she would be able to do simple things like talk or recognize people. But she is not just some lady, she more than that. She is a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mother.

She woke up today. She spoke. She had her memory.

But there have been times where they don't get another day. We are not guaranteed a lengthy lifetime. That's not something you can find in the owner's manual.

A lot of life, medicine, and death has been on my mind lately. In history we're learning about WWII right now. So many were killed... In lit, we read a story called "There Will Come Soft Rains". The theme of the story was that 'the same technology that helps us, can also kill us'.

We have medicine that saves lives, but we also have bombs that could kill us all.

i'm not sure where i'm going with this anymore... i guess this is just a slab of clay from the mix of my mind. ;)

any thoughts anyone wants to share?

PS. -please keep Alice in you thoughts and prayers. She was suppose to have surgery yesterday, as i would guess she did.

Seasons

The warm haze is hanging in my area right now. The sun is leaving it's light blanket on us.. and the breeze is just right. tis a beautiful day. Unfortunately this also means that the stink bugs are out and are all over my house.

Although i like certain seasons much more than others, there are things that i enjoy in each as well as somethings i don't enjoy.

A famous writing comes to mind... not about the seasons of a year, but of life.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

we don't like many of these seasons or times in our lives.. some are difficult... But they are a part of life. Some of them you will experience more than once and begin to grow comfortable with it, some you cannot. You can't know what it is like to grow older.. because it's something that happens continually, but differently with every moment.

But you can't let these hold you back. Again, they're apart of our lives... i think once we really grasp that we learn that we don't have much to fear. it's a cycle that has been repeated millions of times.

Every time our sun has set- it has also risen to a new beginning.

also, Ecclesiastes is a cool book- you should read it sometime

If Grace Is True

I am the sole person that I know personally that does not believe in hell. Or not quite, anyways. I haven't come to an actual firm position yet, but I doubt that'll happen anytime soon. Anyways, I'm usually the person with different beliefs, the one that questions everything at my church. It's fun. hehe.

We talked about Grace in class today. And somehow we got to the part where someone said you had to ask for grace and one of our teachers said no, you don't, it's a gift that is freely given. And then she went on to say that as long as you believe Jesus is the Son of God and want to follow him and are baptized, you are given this grace. And I was like, "...is that not asking for it?".

I don't get it. Why is this gift of grace extended only to those who believe? If it is, then is it still grace? What does it mean to be a believer anyways?
I mean, dress it up as much as you want, but when it comes down to it, most Christians believe that you have to believe/do this, this, and this to get to heaven. What kind of God is that?

It also seems like people live to go to heaven. As if this life is just a trial run, just a test, and if you believe in God--> heaven, if you don't, sucks for you, you're going to hell.
I don't think that's a very good way to live.

I dunno, Christianity doesn't really make sense anymore.

Well I could go on and on about this stuff, but I'll shut up now. Discuss? Let me know what you think! :)

p.s. LCD Soundsystem is actually pretty good.
p.p.s If Grace Is True is a book. about universalism, from what I remember.

pointless post..

I feel like writing, but I don't have anything to say. I'll probably edit this later, when some actual thoughts come to my mind. I might (probably not, though) go see "Definitely, Maybe" later today. I really want to see it. I love father, daughter things. It makes me happy. I don't know if it has anything to do with me lacking both a father and a father figure in my life, but I could spend an entire day watching a dad play with his child and not be bored. I suppose I'm just weird..
But watching them interact, you can't help but realize that this is love, you know? It's love. And it brings me joy.

So yeah, anyways, I really want to go see that movie.

What else, what else...
It feels like spring today. It's warm-ish. Which is weird, because it snowed earlier this week. I feel like running...
Hmm, everyone today was asking me when my surgery is...2 more full days of life left. Hah. It's becoming more real...
In 2 days, I will possibly never be able to eat french fries, ice cream, a lot of meat, creamy stuff, and lots, lots more. In 2 days, I will have a huge scar across my stomach for the rest of my life. In 2 days, I will be experiencing real, physical pain. In 2 days, I may never have a stomachache again. In 2 days, hearts will be strained and rested. I hope.

anyways, enough worrying. Today has been good so far. I'm gonna go run.

wanting silence.

Even with the music paused it’s hard to escape all the sounds. They are everywhere. There is no true silence.

I dream of a world where I could experience silence sometimes. The only sounds would be the blood flowing throughout my body, the air moving in and out of my lungs, and the sound of my thoughts. I also wonder what it would be like to be completely without thought.

Sorry don’t mean to be turning all Monk on y’all.. lol

But nothing of this world in itself brings lasting satisfaction… not basketball games, not birthday parties, not school, not clothes, not a job, not technology, not first place ribbons for school hug special school projects, not a boyfriend- nothing.

I have seen/experienced (or will be very shortly) all these things in the past week… but none of them bring satisfaction.. it is just noise.

I want to get beyond the noise. It is so distracting and end up messing up all of my priorities.. I have such a hard time getting it all right.

I mess it up all the time...

So I encourage you to take 5 minutes, 20 minutes, an hour, maybe more.. to have quiet time this weekend. it's something i want to try to do. I am going to do it (these types of sites are great for accountability.. lol)

I want silence.

I am happy with myself.

I'm reading "The Gnostic Gospels"-Elaine Pagels. It's really interesting so far. I'm listening to the Once soundtrack right now. Good stuff.
I suppose I will make this post my reply to the comments in the first post.

I was thinking today, and I realized "change begins with you". Not that I had never thought of that before, but I realized it said "change begins with you". You. Not your mom, not your friend, not Jesus. You. No one can make you do anything. No one can force you to do anything. You must do it yourself. Change begins with you. So don't wait for God to make something happen. Nothing will happen if you just sit and wait for a god to come.
Maybe the Gnostics are right about that. Look at the deepest part of yourself, and there, you will find God.
Maybe I've been looking for the wrong things. I've been looking for some outer source of good, of change, of love, of something, of anything. But maybe that's not how God works. Panentheism. I agree with it, but I don't think I really realized what it really meant until now. God is in everything. And maybe that's how he works in the world. I don't need to look for something out of the ordinary, I just need to look to you. To me. To every single person I see today. And I will find God there.
To my teacher who seemed genuinely worried for my surgery. To my friend who says she's gonna get me all this stuff to make my hospital stay nice (haha). To my mom who made breakfast for me (eggs, I probably won't be able to eat them after my surgery).
God is in you. God moves through you (love this song).

Wow, this is great.
So Kelsey, maybe those friendships of yours that got you through those times were God. Maybe human love and support is God.

anyways, I suppose I should 'cross into reality' and make these thoughts real.
What are your thoughts? Agree? Disagree?

a new beginning

So, first post. Awkward? Haha..
Well, I don't know if anyone will ever read any of this, or if it'll just be my and Chrissy's way of getting stuff out. We'll just have to see.
But I'll pretend for now.

The title to this blog is 'crossing into reality'. This came from the Bright Eyes song "Nothing Gets Crossed Out". Part of what that song means to me is how we all keep planning to do all these things and never actually do them. Whether it's because of fear, bad memories, laziness, or just forgetting, whatever, nothing ever gets crossed out. And this is something I find myself doing over and over and over again. It's happened today, even. I never do what I promise myself I will do. So this blog is for our dreams and making them reality. For our fears, and facing them. For our troubles, our envies, our sorrows, our lives, our crap. And just getting it out of us.

So when I'm lost in a crowd, I hope that you'll pick me out
I long to be found, the grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'll wait for a hand to lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so long, don't wanna lay here no more
Don't wanna lay here no more, don't wanna lay here no more

Everything that happens is supposed to be
And it's all pre-determined, can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving, someday maybe
I'll get to where I'm going

Here's to a new beginning.

ps: see comments for more.