Could this be our last dance?

What if I gave up? What if I gave in? What if I stopped caring? It's too complex and I'm still young. I don't need to be thinking about such things.
I've often wondered if it was just a cop-out for me. I could push aside my worries about life, and instead think about this. But I don't think it was. I know if it I pushed it aside, it'd just come back, bigger than ever. But it hasn't. And I feel not regrets, no loss, no lies, no nothing. I feel nothing. These months of thinking have amounted to nothing. But I'm not experiencing the pain or fear or hurt that others have described. I don't feel anything. It just happened. Just like everything else. Maybe it's all fake. Maybe this is all a dream. But it's not. I know it's not.

But something must be wrong. Why don't I feel anything? The things I experience, it just passes me by. My sister weeps while I sit and feel bad for being emotionless. Feel bad for thinking of something funny and try to suppress my laughter during such painful times. It's like these things are real to me in my mind, but in my heart, they haven't yet occurred.

i am cruel.