Graceful Ghost

i really like piano again. i think it's all the encouragement i've gotten lately. not that it matters. anyways, i'd just like to share this brilliant piece of work by non other than mr. william bolcom.

the person in the mirror

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.
After that I liked jazz music.
Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way.
I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this ever happened.

I'm currently reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I'm really enjoying the book so far. I've found myself thinking that's me often as i flip through the pages.

As i looked at a news article on Fox, i couldn't help but wonder how these things were actually happening. How could anyone do that?

-Texas Man Gets 25 Years in Jail for Burning Infant Daughter in Microwave Oven
-Man Claims to Speak 'Australian' After Allegedly Being Raped by Wombat
-Physics Teacher Allegedly Gets Student Pregnant, Takes Her to Get Abortion
-Woman Who Sat on Toilet for Two Years Still 'Very Sick'
-Two Snipers Sought in Six-Car Shootings Along Virginia's Interstate 64, More State Troopers on Patrol
-Lawsuit: Female Tigers Fans Unknowingly Starred in 'Soft Core' Videos
-Report: Spitzer Linked to Second Prostitution Ring
-Reward Offered for Ohio Woman Accused of Sex With 14-Year-Old Girl
-Police Shut Down Italian Circus After Woman Forced to Swim in Piranha Tank
-Woman Involved in University of Louisville Hostage Situation Charged With Killing Her 2 Children
-Oregon Woman Who Said She Had Sex Change Now Claims 'He's' Pregnant

Some of the stories are more weird than disturbing... but my question is- who could do these things?
Could you?

So i've been watching Nightline with Ted Koppel lately. He isn't as smart as Ray Swarez but he tries, and that counts. He's been in the Congo, in Africa, and it has been terrible. I mean the show is fine, but the Congo isn't doing so well. More than 2.5 million people have been killed in the last three years. Each of eight tribes is at war with the other seven. Genocide. As the images moved across the screen I would lie in bed feeling so American and safe, as if the Congo were something in a book or a movie. It is nearly impossible for me to process the idea that such a place exists outside of Portland. I met with Tony the Beat Poet the other day at Horse Brass and told him about the stuff on Nightline.

“I knew that was taking place over there,” Tony said. “But I didn’t know it was that bad.” I call Tony a beat poet because he is always wearing loose European shirts, the ones that lace up the chest with shoestring. His head is shaved, and he has a long soul patch that stretches a good inch beneath his chin. He isn’t actually a poet.

“It’s terrible,” I told him. “Two and a half million people, dead. In one village they interviewed about fifty or so women. All of there had been raped, most of them numerous times.”

Tony shook his head. “That is amazing. It is so difficult to even process how things like that can happen.”

“I know. I can’t get my mind around it. I keep wondering how people could do things like that.”

“Do you think you could do something like that, Don?” Tony looked at me pretty seriously. I honestly couldn’t believe he was asking the question.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Are you capable of murder or rape or any of the stuff that is taking place over there?”

“No.”

“So you are not capable of any of those things?” he asked again. He packed his pipe and looked at me to confirm my answer,

“No, I couldn’t,” I told him. “What are you getting at?”

I just want to know what makes those guys over there any dif ferent from you and me. They are human. We are human. Why are we any better than them, you know?”

Tony had me on this one. If I answered his question by saying yes, I could commit those atrocities, that would make me evil, but if I answered no, it would suggest I believed I am better evolved than some of the men in the Congo. And then I would have some explaining to do.

“You believe we are capable of those things, don’t you, Tony?”

He lit his pipe and breathed in until the tobacco glowed orange and let out a cloud of smoke. “I think so, Don. I don’t know how else to answer the question.”

...I realize this sounds very Christian, very fundamentalist and browbeating, but I want to tell you this part of what the Christians are saying is true. I think Jesus feels strongly about communicating the idea of our brokenness, and I think it is worth reflection. Nothing is going to change in the Congo until you and I figure out what is wrong with the person in the mirror.

i know that was long. i don't know if anyone will read it... But i hope that at least one person besides me does.
Also those quotes were taken from Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz and i have no rights to that text. :)

Could this be our last dance?

What if I gave up? What if I gave in? What if I stopped caring? It's too complex and I'm still young. I don't need to be thinking about such things.
I've often wondered if it was just a cop-out for me. I could push aside my worries about life, and instead think about this. But I don't think it was. I know if it I pushed it aside, it'd just come back, bigger than ever. But it hasn't. And I feel not regrets, no loss, no lies, no nothing. I feel nothing. These months of thinking have amounted to nothing. But I'm not experiencing the pain or fear or hurt that others have described. I don't feel anything. It just happened. Just like everything else. Maybe it's all fake. Maybe this is all a dream. But it's not. I know it's not.

But something must be wrong. Why don't I feel anything? The things I experience, it just passes me by. My sister weeps while I sit and feel bad for being emotionless. Feel bad for thinking of something funny and try to suppress my laughter during such painful times. It's like these things are real to me in my mind, but in my heart, they haven't yet occurred.

i am cruel.

brilliance and arrogance

People's words affect me. I think words affect everyone, no matter how much someone truly believes they don't care what anyone else thinks. Everyone cares what other people think; some more than others, but I don't think it's possible to not care at all. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. I lost where I was going with this...oh well. I have 2 weeks worth of math homework to do, plus a billion tests/quizzes to study for. I have no idea how I'm going to get any of it done.

Anyways, this amazes me. This Kempf guy plays Beethoven really well. I wish I could play like him..

the culprit

I've been contemplating the affect of technology on us as individuals lately and how it causes us to become isolated, alone, and a virtual island. When we're engrossed in MySpace, texting, Facebook, email, or whatever; we're losing that human element. There's something that happens when people talk, it's more than information transferring. It's personal, serious, and means more. Why is it easier to say things on the internet than in real life? ...because you don't have to see their reaction or fear the rejection.

I think that the culprit for issues like self-injury, suicide, and that sort is the unwillingness of people to communicate face to face and making themselves into islands. (This may be because of sheer laziness, but that's another topic) This causes people to feel alone, feel unnecessary, feel useless. We're spending time infront of a computer screen rather than infront of another human being; investing into them and being invested into as well.

I would encourage you to make the effort to hang out with friends together, not online, get a ride, make a drive, take a walk. It'll be worth it and solve so many of our issues. ...and listen to people; be trust-worthy and respect their issues, don't make jokes when they're talking to you. Also, don't puke all of your issues on some random person, only talk about that stuff with people you know you can trust. Ok, that's about as much advice as I have right now.

AND REMEMBER----No one is perfect. We are all sinners equally. No one person better than another. Love everyone, because, for some reason or another, the one man who walked the Earth who WAS worthy to judge, refused to do just that, and chose to love instead. Heal.

Ben.

---
linkage.
Ben's Myspace.

fallen plans.

today, i was reminded that i can't always have my way.

i wanted to go very badly. i had things i wanted to talk about and people i wanted to chat with... I had things planned. i had things i was suppose to do.

i didn't go, i didn't talk, i didn't do what was expected of me.

my ride couldn't take me.

and it is so easy to complain and to blame... and i did.. but i know that there was an honest good reason why they couldn't... but it still hurt. i felt that i was being let down and so were the people around me.

i really have no clue where i'm going with this... but i'm thankful that i'm feeling a bit better.

i guess i'm curious if anyone else's plans have gone down the drain recently.. and how do you deal with it when you do?

the need to stop

Church. it's something that is so twisted. Somehow we got this idea that church is a place where we are suppose to be quiet, listen to some boring pastor, and sing some cheesy jesus music. it's a place where the goody-goodies go. it's a place where you try to look good. you don't want people to think you have any problems.

that's not what i want and that's not what is going to help me get closer to God. I don't believe that what he intended either.

What i want from church might be the wrong way about it.. it's selfish. but i know that there are people who need something different. they need it.

Imagine just meeting with some friends every week or w/e you planned. talking, hanging out, playing games... but then taking the time to sit down and have a more organized talk. With maybe a leader, but everyone involved in the conversation. You wouldn't have to talk if you didn't want to. You wouldn't have to change anything. But even more than this- it would be a place that you could come to knowing that you would be accepted and loved no matter what you've done, no matter what you look like. a place where it was safe to tell things from the depths of your heart. A place to show your scars and a place to sing your guts out if you need to. a place that was real. where people actually cared. You could show up in your sweat pants- they wouldn't care. and it wouldn't stop after church- you were friends and did thing together any day anywhere. A place that you wouldn't feel the need to change to attend.

yes christ died for us when we're still sinners. you don't need to change for him. and those who are trying to follow his example shouldn't give that image. but often they do. sometimes they don't... but it's so hard to step out and say 'hey this is my heart'

maybe you're a drug addict.
maybe you cut.
maybe you're an alcoholic
maybe you cry yourself to sleep every night.
maybe you feel alone.
maybe you've killed someone.
maybe you watch porn, you masturbate.. you're a sex addict.
maybe you feel overwhelmed.
maybe you've hurt someone you love.
maybe you're pregnant.
maybe you've had an abortion.
maybe you are beaten by someone you once loved.
maybe you're suicidal.
maybe you just want a friend.
maybe you're the only one.
maybe you dreaming of the 'right gal/guy'
maybe you just want attention.
maybe you've stolen.
maybe you're gay.
maybe you just want to be accepted.
maybe your loved one died.
maybe you're a liar.
maybe you're not honest with yourself.
maybe you've given in.
maybe all of this, maybe a million times more.
maybe, maybe, maybe.

maybe you're a girl and that's something only guys do.
maybe you're a guy and it's something that only girls do.
maybe you're supposed to be perfect- you grew up a goody-goody.
maybe you've been there all your life.

this is who the church is meant for.

so why don't we design our churches to reach out for these type of people?
there's so much hurt out there.. so much pain.
their hearts, our hearts- they're screaming.
they want to be answered.
we need to stop the bleeding.

i wish i knew what all this meant. i wish i could change the world. i wish that this blog wasn't so choppy. i wish that this blog could do it all. i wish i could touch your heart. i wish that people didn't feel like they had to hide.

i hide. i'm covering it all up. i care more about my image than i do being open and honest with others... i need to change. but i'm scared.. i have to choose between what i have now versus what i could have. i need to let go of all that i hold.. but it's scary.

but i need it.

you need it.

I have a hole in my stomach...

This thing needs an update. I don't really have anything to say though...let's see.

Complaining. What do you think of it? For example, I have wanted to complain about the pain I have had to go through after surgery, but really, should I? There's always the "what about the kids starving in Africa?" thing... Why should I be complaining when I have a roof over my head, people who love and care for me, and food at the table every day?
But then there's another voice, that says it is okay, because although there's always people much worse off than me, there's also many, many people who have never and will never have to go through as much as I've been through (which, admittedly, can't be much in the big scheme of things).

I don't want to make this long, so I'll leave it at that. What do you think?

i once was blind, but now i see

i sat there anxious in the passenger seat wanting to get there on time. We're almost always late it seems.. finally! it's just right around the corner!! oh. wait.. why is there a car with one of those flashing lights on the top blocking off the road? As i glance behind the car i notice a fairly large branch on the road, but i know our car was small enough to get by. oh well, we take the left and then make a few rights to get to church. Another car pulled in just as we were- i must not be too late.

practice went well. the last song isn't one of my favorites, but somehow it seemed more fun than it normally does... i looked forward to getting to play it.

the day went on as normal..we went up and were leading worship. it seemed like a lot of the songs ended up quieter and slower- which is fine (i just like a few fast loud ones..lol).. we messed up a transition- but it was fine.

i love the sounds of all the different instruments. the keys, the piano, the violin, the flute, the bass, the drums, the acoustic, the electric all following the same pattern in a different way.. 'G C D C' ..the vocals- all of you is more than enough for all of--blep. the sounds were no longer blending so well... it all faded quietly and the music sheets weren't readable.
we lost power.

we never did get to that last song.. but sometimes that's how life goes. the lights go out... a tree falls down on the power lines right outside your house. it happens.

the service continued- we finished off the worship with amazing grace, which was beautiful... and then our pastor gave the message by candle light.

though we couldn't necessarily see- all we can see is not that important. the trees, the faces, the rivers, the cities, the clouds, the stars - they're all great. vision is something i love... but all this shall pass. and the colors we see today will all pass. it really doesn't matter what the color is that the words are displayed on.. it doesn't matter if you match perfectly. it doesn't matter what building you have church in... it doesn't matter what things look like. it's their message, the inside, that counts.

i wish..

i wish i had something deep and meaningful to write...
but honestly all i'm thinking is-

i'm so tired.
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!
i'm even more tired.
i have to get up early tomorrow.
there's still dirt under my nails.
i'm pooped.
we'll probably have a lil' jam tomorrow.
i'm hungry.
i have a job!!
i need sleep.

yeah.. i can't really think straight.

hopefully i'll be able to come up with something tomorrow... those three papers for Lit should help me get into the creative writing mode.

but i guess one thing i'm seeing is how a busy lifestyle (which i really don't have) can really pull someone down if they do it too much. I have a hard enough time keeping my priorities straight... but it also good to stay a bit busy. "idle hands are the Devil’s workshop". If you haven't discovered this in yourself- i have. it's true... but i often feel like there's nothing that i can do or nothing i really want to do. But he can also work when we're stressed i've found.. or when we're overwhelmed. Sometimes we just want an escape.

so there's the point for today: stay busy, but don't allow yourself to get too stressed.

sorenositis, revolutions, & red balloons

i hate colds.










all i wanted was a nice box of tissues. (Puffs are lovely).. but no- all my school has are the kind that leave your nose sore (like the puffs commercial when the nose runs away).

Even the toliet paper we use at my house is softer than those tissues from school!! :(

video -yes, that was me today.

Moving on...
EDITTED
if anyone has any comments on stinky tissues please leave a comment!
Thank yah. :)
*sneezes*

just a slab of clay

One thing i really don't care to know about.. is my guts. You know what i'm talking about. It's all that crap that my body is made up of. I for one, am perfectly content with the idea that i have a body, it either functions correctly or it doesn't, end of story. If something needs to be fixed a doctor who actually finds that sort of thing interested can take care of it for me.

They're constantly trying to help people to live longer, to be stronger and healthier. That's a good thing. If were given something we should use it to the best of our abilities.

I know of a lady whose life was on the line today. She was in a coma and they didn't think she would could out of it, and if she did they didn't think she would be able to do simple things like talk or recognize people. But she is not just some lady, she more than that. She is a daughter, a sister, a wife, and a mother.

She woke up today. She spoke. She had her memory.

But there have been times where they don't get another day. We are not guaranteed a lengthy lifetime. That's not something you can find in the owner's manual.

A lot of life, medicine, and death has been on my mind lately. In history we're learning about WWII right now. So many were killed... In lit, we read a story called "There Will Come Soft Rains". The theme of the story was that 'the same technology that helps us, can also kill us'.

We have medicine that saves lives, but we also have bombs that could kill us all.

i'm not sure where i'm going with this anymore... i guess this is just a slab of clay from the mix of my mind. ;)

any thoughts anyone wants to share?

PS. -please keep Alice in you thoughts and prayers. She was suppose to have surgery yesterday, as i would guess she did.

Seasons

The warm haze is hanging in my area right now. The sun is leaving it's light blanket on us.. and the breeze is just right. tis a beautiful day. Unfortunately this also means that the stink bugs are out and are all over my house.

Although i like certain seasons much more than others, there are things that i enjoy in each as well as somethings i don't enjoy.

A famous writing comes to mind... not about the seasons of a year, but of life.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

we don't like many of these seasons or times in our lives.. some are difficult... But they are a part of life. Some of them you will experience more than once and begin to grow comfortable with it, some you cannot. You can't know what it is like to grow older.. because it's something that happens continually, but differently with every moment.

But you can't let these hold you back. Again, they're apart of our lives... i think once we really grasp that we learn that we don't have much to fear. it's a cycle that has been repeated millions of times.

Every time our sun has set- it has also risen to a new beginning.

also, Ecclesiastes is a cool book- you should read it sometime

If Grace Is True

I am the sole person that I know personally that does not believe in hell. Or not quite, anyways. I haven't come to an actual firm position yet, but I doubt that'll happen anytime soon. Anyways, I'm usually the person with different beliefs, the one that questions everything at my church. It's fun. hehe.

We talked about Grace in class today. And somehow we got to the part where someone said you had to ask for grace and one of our teachers said no, you don't, it's a gift that is freely given. And then she went on to say that as long as you believe Jesus is the Son of God and want to follow him and are baptized, you are given this grace. And I was like, "...is that not asking for it?".

I don't get it. Why is this gift of grace extended only to those who believe? If it is, then is it still grace? What does it mean to be a believer anyways?
I mean, dress it up as much as you want, but when it comes down to it, most Christians believe that you have to believe/do this, this, and this to get to heaven. What kind of God is that?

It also seems like people live to go to heaven. As if this life is just a trial run, just a test, and if you believe in God--> heaven, if you don't, sucks for you, you're going to hell.
I don't think that's a very good way to live.

I dunno, Christianity doesn't really make sense anymore.

Well I could go on and on about this stuff, but I'll shut up now. Discuss? Let me know what you think! :)

p.s. LCD Soundsystem is actually pretty good.
p.p.s If Grace Is True is a book. about universalism, from what I remember.

pointless post..

I feel like writing, but I don't have anything to say. I'll probably edit this later, when some actual thoughts come to my mind. I might (probably not, though) go see "Definitely, Maybe" later today. I really want to see it. I love father, daughter things. It makes me happy. I don't know if it has anything to do with me lacking both a father and a father figure in my life, but I could spend an entire day watching a dad play with his child and not be bored. I suppose I'm just weird..
But watching them interact, you can't help but realize that this is love, you know? It's love. And it brings me joy.

So yeah, anyways, I really want to go see that movie.

What else, what else...
It feels like spring today. It's warm-ish. Which is weird, because it snowed earlier this week. I feel like running...
Hmm, everyone today was asking me when my surgery is...2 more full days of life left. Hah. It's becoming more real...
In 2 days, I will possibly never be able to eat french fries, ice cream, a lot of meat, creamy stuff, and lots, lots more. In 2 days, I will have a huge scar across my stomach for the rest of my life. In 2 days, I will be experiencing real, physical pain. In 2 days, I may never have a stomachache again. In 2 days, hearts will be strained and rested. I hope.

anyways, enough worrying. Today has been good so far. I'm gonna go run.