I don't think I believe in love.
I'm not sure I even know exactly what I mean by this. I can't see myself ever really 'falling in love' with another person- where it is mutual. Though this may be the 'love' I'm thinking of it's not really love at all. But how does one even go about falling in love anyways? It's all so awkward to me. I feel like I've prepared myself to remain single for the rest of my life and anything that goes away from that is out of the norm. I think I could remain single for the rest of my life. If I mentioned this to a friend they would probably disagree with me.. telling me how cute my kids will be.. But really. I don't need to get married and I don't need to have kids. Marriage is horrifying. It's like a lifelong contract with one person. You're like stuck with them as they are stuck with you. I'm terrified of having kids because I don't want them to be like me.
but i do believe in some kind of love. It just can be hard to see in this world. You have to look for it. It is there.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Bitter
So, I don't really have time to be blogging right now. But I feel like I need to write.
I was really bitter by the end of today. I hate being bitter. It makes me snappy and rude. I think when i'm bitter, often I am just having a pity-party for myself. At some point in my bitterness, I am still bitter, but I realize that I am bitter and that I shouldn't be. I go into self-reflection mode. I want to be hugged and I want to be left alone. I want to sleep, I want to cry. Hopefully, this phase does not last too long. Music helps. Songs about regret, hope, and love. Songs about meaning in life and second chances. Songs that do not blame any gods, boys, or authorities, but see the problem lying within me.
"We're the problem, we're the solution The cure and the disease" - Ben Harper
and now to study Trig and Sociology.
I was really bitter by the end of today. I hate being bitter. It makes me snappy and rude. I think when i'm bitter, often I am just having a pity-party for myself. At some point in my bitterness, I am still bitter, but I realize that I am bitter and that I shouldn't be. I go into self-reflection mode. I want to be hugged and I want to be left alone. I want to sleep, I want to cry. Hopefully, this phase does not last too long. Music helps. Songs about regret, hope, and love. Songs about meaning in life and second chances. Songs that do not blame any gods, boys, or authorities, but see the problem lying within me.
"We're the problem, we're the solution The cure and the disease" - Ben Harper
and now to study Trig and Sociology.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Come Break Me
I could call today a bad day. In many ways it was a very bad day. But sometimes it takes a heavy storm in order to come back to the sunshine.
There are lots of things I could blame for the bad day... But it seemed that it truly all came back to me. My own problems. My sin.
Sin really messes everything up. It causes you to struggle in nearly every other area of your life.
It is hard to let go.
How do you confess a sin? A deep sin, a dark one, a shameful one, a big one. How do you tell people? I know God can and has forgiven me, but I know that I won't be able to get out of this rut until I speak of this.
Can I let go of my pride?
If I did not care about my pride, my image, this would not be so hard.
I feel that my point of breaking is coming. You could call it a rock bottom. Maybe I could push it off longer, but I don't really want to. I'm tired of living like this, with this. Whether I have a mental breakdown or I let God break me is a choice I have to make.
Come break me.
Rip me into pieces.
Mold me with your hands.
Let nothing be hidden or left behind.
And please pick up the broken pieces and make me how You want me to be.
It will hurt. It will be hard. But living one more moment like this is not worth it. Giving all this up is.
There are lots of things I could blame for the bad day... But it seemed that it truly all came back to me. My own problems. My sin.
Sin really messes everything up. It causes you to struggle in nearly every other area of your life.
It is hard to let go.
How do you confess a sin? A deep sin, a dark one, a shameful one, a big one. How do you tell people? I know God can and has forgiven me, but I know that I won't be able to get out of this rut until I speak of this.
Can I let go of my pride?
If I did not care about my pride, my image, this would not be so hard.
I feel that my point of breaking is coming. You could call it a rock bottom. Maybe I could push it off longer, but I don't really want to. I'm tired of living like this, with this. Whether I have a mental breakdown or I let God break me is a choice I have to make.
Come break me.
Rip me into pieces.
Mold me with your hands.
Let nothing be hidden or left behind.
And please pick up the broken pieces and make me how You want me to be.
It will hurt. It will be hard. But living one more moment like this is not worth it. Giving all this up is.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Q:
Do you ever find yourself stuck between who you are and who you think you could be, or should be?
Do you find it hard to get out of bed on saturdays with few plans after long work weeks?
Do you wish you could just always know what to do?
Do I do nothing, follow the 'normal' path, or fly into the unknown? I guess I've already made some decisions in my life that will prevent anything completely normal. But that still leaves me unsure of what to do. There are so many choices to be made.
Often when I don't know what to choose, I just avoid decided. I push away my thoughts while I can. Soon enough they all come back asking me what i will do. In the game of live there are only so many options- you spin the wheel and life happens. But is that really how you want to live? Just letting life 'happen' does not really seem like life at all.
Sometimes it seems as though there are all these voices in my head. Each one wants something different of me. They are in conflict with one another.
I want Unity.
Tonight maybe there aren't 24 voices, but rather 17.
Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
----
Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
"Ask me for what am I living or what gives me strength that I'm willing to die for."
His responce to this song- to these questions seem to be found in the next song:
I find peace when I'm confused
I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, Me,
But In You
Do you find it hard to get out of bed on saturdays with few plans after long work weeks?
Do you wish you could just always know what to do?
Do I do nothing, follow the 'normal' path, or fly into the unknown? I guess I've already made some decisions in my life that will prevent anything completely normal. But that still leaves me unsure of what to do. There are so many choices to be made.
Often when I don't know what to choose, I just avoid decided. I push away my thoughts while I can. Soon enough they all come back asking me what i will do. In the game of live there are only so many options- you spin the wheel and life happens. But is that really how you want to live? Just letting life 'happen' does not really seem like life at all.
Sometimes it seems as though there are all these voices in my head. Each one wants something different of me. They are in conflict with one another.
I want Unity.
Tonight maybe there aren't 24 voices, but rather 17.
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?
----
Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight
"Ask me for what am I living or what gives me strength that I'm willing to die for."
His responce to this song- to these questions seem to be found in the next song:
I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, Me,
But In You
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Worship
My superintendent asked the question the other day, "What is the one instrument God made?" I immediately knew where the conversation was going. He was going to say that God only made the human voice- and that is why they focused on it. That is the first time i had heard this reason for my school using a cappella music in worship. I had always heard.. "The new testament does not mention any musical instruments". I always wondered why we assumed that meant God wanted us to stop. (The new testament does mention musical instruments in revelation.)
But i was a bit bothered when he said that the only instrument was the human voice. I walk outside and hear the wind blowing, hear the birds singing... I can hear the rhythm of the human heart. There is far more 'natural' music than just the human voice. You just need to listen.
I think there is far more to a worshipper than even singing song. I think that God wants far more from us that a simple song- he wants our lives, all of them. He wants all of your heart. Your whole life to be an act of worship before the king. This means in everything you do- you do it all for God, not holding back any part. And that is hard! But that makes it even more worthy- singing a song is easy- living out a song each day something more.
A true worshipper uses their hands, their feet, their words, their eyes, their soul, their mind, their attitude, their everything in worship. This means you worship God at work, in school, on the field, in the mall, on the streets of the city, on the mountain tops, and in the fields of the valley.
God made more than the human voice- he made the human body, mind, and soul. When you use these things to glorify God, you are worshipping God.
So sing with your voice, raise and clap your hands, dance and jump, fall to your knees. I don't care how you do it, but play the instrument he gave you- Don't just sing it out. Live it out.
i'm on the run
i'm on the ropes this time
where is my song?
i've lost the song of my soul tonight
sing it out, sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody
sing it out, sing out loud
i can't find the words to sing
you'd be my remedy
my song, my song
i'll sing with what's left of me
where is the sun
feel like a ghost this time
where have you gone
i need your breath in my lungs tonight
sing it out, sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody
sing it out, sing out loud
i can't find the words to sing
you'd be my remedy
my song, my song
i'll sing with what's left of me
i'm holding on, i'm holding on to you
my world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true
and i fall in love with the ones that run me through
when all along all i need is you
sing it out, sing it out
take what is left of me
make it a melody
sing it out, sing out loud
i can't find the words to sing
come be my remedy
my song, my song, my song
i'll sing with what's left of me
But i was a bit bothered when he said that the only instrument was the human voice. I walk outside and hear the wind blowing, hear the birds singing... I can hear the rhythm of the human heart. There is far more 'natural' music than just the human voice. You just need to listen.
I think there is far more to a worshipper than even singing song. I think that God wants far more from us that a simple song- he wants our lives, all of them. He wants all of your heart. Your whole life to be an act of worship before the king. This means in everything you do- you do it all for God, not holding back any part. And that is hard! But that makes it even more worthy- singing a song is easy- living out a song each day something more.
A true worshipper uses their hands, their feet, their words, their eyes, their soul, their mind, their attitude, their everything in worship. This means you worship God at work, in school, on the field, in the mall, on the streets of the city, on the mountain tops, and in the fields of the valley.
God made more than the human voice- he made the human body, mind, and soul. When you use these things to glorify God, you are worshipping God.
So sing with your voice, raise and clap your hands, dance and jump, fall to your knees. I don't care how you do it, but play the instrument he gave you- Don't just sing it out. Live it out.
i'm on the ropes this time
where is my song?
i've lost the song of my soul tonight
sing it out, sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody
sing it out, sing out loud
i can't find the words to sing
you'd be my remedy
my song, my song
i'll sing with what's left of me
where is the sun
feel like a ghost this time
where have you gone
i need your breath in my lungs tonight
sing it out, sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody
sing it out, sing out loud
i can't find the words to sing
you'd be my remedy
my song, my song
i'll sing with what's left of me
i'm holding on, i'm holding on to you
my world is wrong, my world is a lie that's come true
and i fall in love with the ones that run me through
when all along all i need is you
sing it out, sing it out
take what is left of me
make it a melody
sing it out, sing out loud
i can't find the words to sing
come be my remedy
my song, my song, my song
i'll sing with what's left of me
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
6 months.
A great deal happens in 6 months. I think it's been 6 months since this was last updated.
Maybe the blog should be retired. Maybe it should be revived.
Well, Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year too!
songs for the new year:
The Blues - Switchfoot
When She's Near - Fiction Family
Maybe the blog should be retired. Maybe it should be revived.
Well, Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year too!
songs for the new year:
The Blues - Switchfoot
When She's Near - Fiction Family
Friday, June 19, 2009
the greatest command
WORLD: How does WALL•E represent your singular vision?
STANTON: Well, what really interested me was the idea of the most human
thing in the universe being a machine because it has more interest in finding
out what the point of living is than actual people. The greatest commandment
Christ gives us is to love, but that's not always our priority. So I came up
with this premise that could demonstrate what I was trying to say—that
irrational love defeats the world's programming. You've got these two robots
that are trying to go above their basest directives, literally their
programming, to experience love.
With the human characters I wanted to show that our programming is the
routines and habits that distract us to the point that we're not really making
connections to the people next to us. We're not engaging in relationships, which
are the point of living—relationship with God and relationship with other
people.
I thought that was cool. :) Andrew Stanton directed Finding Nemo and Wall-E but has contirbuted to all the Pixar films in one way or another.
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