Bitter

So, I don't really have time to be blogging right now. But I feel like I need to write.

I was really bitter by the end of today. I hate being bitter. It makes me snappy and rude. I think when i'm bitter, often I am just having a pity-party for myself. At some point in my bitterness, I am still bitter, but I realize that I am bitter and that I shouldn't be. I go into self-reflection mode. I want to be hugged and I want to be left alone. I want to sleep, I want to cry. Hopefully, this phase does not last too long. Music helps. Songs about regret, hope, and love. Songs about meaning in life and second chances. Songs that do not blame any gods, boys, or authorities, but see the problem lying within me.

"We're the problem, we're the solution The cure and the disease" - Ben Harper

and now to study Trig and Sociology.

Come Break Me

I could call today a bad day. In many ways it was a very bad day. But sometimes it takes a heavy storm in order to come back to the sunshine.

There are lots of things I could blame for the bad day... But it seemed that it truly all came back to me. My own problems. My sin.

Sin really messes everything up. It causes you to struggle in nearly every other area of your life.

It is hard to let go.

How do you confess a sin? A deep sin, a dark one, a shameful one, a big one. How do you tell people? I know God can and has forgiven me, but I know that I won't be able to get out of this rut until I speak of this.

Can I let go of my pride?

If I did not care about my pride, my image, this would not be so hard.

I feel that my point of breaking is coming. You could call it a rock bottom. Maybe I could push it off longer, but I don't really want to. I'm tired of living like this, with this. Whether I have a mental breakdown or I let God break me is a choice I have to make.

Come break me.
Rip me into pieces.
Mold me with your hands.
Let nothing be hidden or left behind.
And please pick up the broken pieces and make me how You want me to be.

It will hurt. It will be hard. But living one more moment like this is not worth it. Giving all this up is.

Q:

Do you ever find yourself stuck between who you are and who you think you could be, or should be?

Do you find it hard to get out of bed on saturdays with few plans after long work weeks?

Do you wish you could just always know what to do?

Do I do nothing, follow the 'normal' path, or fly into the unknown? I guess I've already made some decisions in my life that will prevent anything completely normal. But that still leaves me unsure of what to do. There are so many choices to be made.

Often when I don't know what to choose, I just avoid decided. I push away my thoughts while I can. Soon enough they all come back asking me what i will do. In the game of live there are only so many options- you spin the wheel and life happens. But is that really how you want to live? Just letting life 'happen' does not really seem like life at all.

Sometimes it seems as though there are all these voices in my head. Each one wants something different of me. They are in conflict with one another.
I want Unity.

Tonight maybe there aren't 24 voices, but rather 17.

Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping
And all of your searching
For what?

----

Take away from me
This monstrosity
'Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve nothing tonight


"Ask me for what am I living or what gives me strength that I'm willing to die for."

His responce to this song- to these questions seem to be found in the next song:

I find peace when I'm confused
I find hope when I'm let down
Not in me, Me,
But In You