make it go away.

I hate taking naps. I usually can never take them, but these last few days I've been so tired, I actually have. I slept for about 3 hours today, and now I'm incredibly tired and worn out. I hate feeling like this.

Summer is already half over. What do we do with our time? What have you done with yours? My summer has been good and bad and fun and sad and hard. There's so much left in life that I have not experienced. That I have not yet had the chance to enjoy. I wanna love. I want to be kind and wise and loving and helpful. I don't want to waste my time here. I want to spend my time loving people and learning and experiencing joy and pain and peace and sorrow. What frustrates me is that I don't know how.

i thought you had it in you.

I am so tired. And sad. Which is not a good combination. At all. I feel so pathetic.

I have a newfound appreciation for skateboarding. I wish I could skateboard. This past week I've been going to the skate park and taking pictures and I just love the atmosphere there. It's very teamwork oriented and everyone is so persistent and easy-going. If the fall, they try again and again and again until they get it. I love it. And they're all so nice. It's crazy. I don't even know how to describe the atmosphere there, but if you ever have a chance to go to Rocketown, go. If I could skate, I'd go there all the time. Or, at least, I'd want to. This is one of the few pictures I took in there that actually turned out okay. You can't tell, but he's jumping over like, 11 skateboards, stacked on top of each other. It was pretty cool.

everything will be alright.

I love summer. It's probably my favorite time of year. No school, cool/hot, no stress, just time to sit and relax and do whatever you want. I love it. But there is one thing I hate. Going to camps, meeting some awesome people, and never seeing them again. I hate that.

I like people. I am a fairly awkward, quiet person, but I enjoy meeting people and making new friendships. Today, I sat in the skate park and talked to this kid. He was pretty cool. Tomorrow is the last day at Rocketown and I am not a regular rocketown go-er. I wish I was, but I'm not. And this kid isn't going to be there tomorrow! You have no idea how sad that makes me. And I cannot, for the life of me, find him on myspace. And I don't know how he'll find me cuz I made it so no one could.

It kills me. I love these people. I wish I lived closer to rocketown so i could go there more often.

And you know what else I hate?
Expensive clothes. I love shopping. My favorite clothing item in the world is the sweater. I LOVE sweaters. Like, I literally drool over them. I do. I love them that much. And they're always SO expensive. So I think I'm gonna splurge. I think I'm gonna splurge on this beautiful sweater at American Apparel. It's $44. Ridiculous, but I suppose I'll wear it quite often. And it really is BEAUTIFUL. Gosh, this is all so depressing. I need to think more happy thoughts. I wonder how angry people live. Do they have to hide from themselves and reality when they are alone so as not to turn crazy?

I'm stealing this from Pete

I didn't ask Pete if I could post this, but it's on the Switchfoot boards, so I don't think it really matters. I've come back to this discussion I had with Pete a long time ago about the Holy Trinity and I thought I'd post it here and get some of ya'll opinions. Sorry it's reallyyy long..

Now, there's the trinity, which is God the Father, the Holy Spirit and God the Son. The symbolism here gets to be pretty beautiful. If we look at The Son as us on Earth, that part that is both human and Godly, that limited conciousness, then we can assume that The Father is the sum of all the little parts. The Father would be the ultimate conciousness, the great combination of all the little Sons running around being concious in their own little ways. That leaves a fair amount of separation. So, for the trinity to be complete, there has to the The Spirit. I believe, and this is where we might disagree, that The Spirit is the ability for The Father and The Son to intersect. And here's where the symbolism gets lovely: an intersection is shapped like a cross. Love it.

Anyway, I believe that through The Spirit we, even as humans, can do things that are truly divine. Love, care for one another, make choices to help each other. Somtimes it's very small things, but they can be very significant. I think it is also important that they are small. For, if as we have agreed that our conciousness is a part of God and that God is the summation of all our conciousnesses, whatever happens to us happens to God. Like Jesus said "Whatever you do to the least of my brothers you do unto me." Right? So in this context, the smallest charity can be seen as divine since, in the grand scheme of things, we are only capable of such tiny charities, but they can mean so much to the person receiving them.

That all being said, I think The Spirit is our ability to intersect, if only so very breifly with The Father. It's true that we cannot become God and we cannot, I suppose, become truly divine until we die and our conciousness returns to God, but in our own little ways I think we can definitely do wonderful things and beautiful things and reach that intersection from time to time. It's just so hard to tell when we are there, since it's so hard to tell the consequences to our actions.

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Anyway, I think we are all the Son of God in that we are all offshoots of God. If we all have a piece of God, our consciousness, in us, then we all must be His sons. I think Jesus, and maybe some others, like the Saints or Buddha, etc, was the only one to really epitomize the term, being as close to God as a human can, but I don't think that counts the rest of us out. For instance, there's a lot of theory about the Torah and Numerology, right? And they believe that the entire Torah is one huge word/number that God spoke that started Creation. That's sorta the wattered down version of it. Anyway, they've actually found evidence, when you look at the numbers, that there is a link to this huge long number and human DNA. Freaky, huh? So they thought maybe Jesus's DNA had a code sequencing that was uncannily close to the Torah number.

I digress. I think the distance from God is important, though. Take angels for instance. When you really get down to thinking about it, angels are basically mindless, soulless automatons that do God's bidding. They have no ability to really reason or think for themselves, which is why, I presume, they would be allowed to close to God. (This is all based off of traditional mythology, most of which is completely outdated, but it still teaches us a valuable lesson). Now, us humans have that distance from God, even if we are all part of God in the end. That distance allows us to have free will, but because we have Grace, we are not cut off from God. We can choose evil and then choose to return to God. And through our journeys, everything we experience God experiences. Which is why we can never be God, because He experiences everything at once at all times. We could never bear that with our limited consciousness. So we have to journey through life trying to experience as much of it and trying to experience other people's experiences as much as possible, knowing that everything we experience God experiences and that although we are cut off from Him we are still a part of Him. That's what I think it means to be the Son of God.

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comment and let me know what you think!

could i do it.

I love when no one is home, but me.. and i can play guitar with all my might and sing out all that is in my heart and lungs. That is worship to me... sometimes i wonder if i could lead people into that with me. If i could stand with them and help them lift their voices in truth. If i could make it simple and sweet.. and also loud and roaring. I wonder if my favorite love songs could become theirs... i wonder if i could help them.. if i could help be god's love towards them. I wonder if i could ever make art that could help someone reach God or God reach them. I wonder if i could do it in front of lots of people without being to nervous and being totally open, honest and with my heart worn on my sleeve. I wonder if i could do it without worrying to much of how it sounds or how i look.. but i also wonder if i could make it sound good and pleasing to the ears. I wonder if i could cry in front of them.. If i could honestly pray in front of them.

i wonder if i could do it.

Souls aren't built of stone

I watched House tonight. I can't really say i watch the show, because that was my 2nd time.. But it got me thinking about life. The summer for me i think gets me into a mode where everything is material. I don't spend nearly as much time around people as i do during the school year.. and i think that it plays quite a toll on me mentally. House was dead for a while during this episode and he saw nothing and remembered nothing and so concluded that there was nothing more.

If we came from nothing.. wouldn't we only be material. Humans have to be more than material. feelings and emotions are not material. If evolution with no creator was only in plants i think i could believe it. But creatures have another side to them. We can think, see, smell, feel, taste, and hear... Humans even have the ability to reason. We can step outside of ourselves and play ourselves in another setting.. we can imagine.

The last two weeks of school i spent some time disecting a pig. a lifeless pig. What is life? What is a soul?