photography.

i think i'm getting a Canon XS soon!
i'm so excited.

i feel like i'm following the crowd though. it's like, the new thing to be into photography. and maybe it's a good thing, because i think photography is great and should be appreciated. and i might not be as interested in it if i weren't influenced by certain people who are interested in photography. who knows.

anyway, i'm trying to make friends that are into photography so i can learn and make friends and have fun all at the same time! haha.

links:
Daley Hake
Jered Scott
Andrew Ryan Shepherd

those are just a few.

so this was a completely pointless blog but whateverrr.
hope you are all having a great friday!

an old trap..

It is early Sunday morning, and I just got home from a weekend trip to Des Moines, Iowa and St. Louis, Missouri. I am sipping coffee on my deck, reading a book by Henri Nouwen called "The Return of the Prodigal Son", and certain parts are helping me to understand aspects of my own life more clearly. They are serving to shed even more light on the things that I have written myself, and, the next time someone asks me what "Sleeping In" is about, I might start with...

"Constantly falling back into an old trap, before I am even fully aware of it, I find myself wondering why someone hurt me, rejected me, or didn't pay attention to me. Without realizing it, I find myself brooding about someone else's success, my own loneliness, and the way the world abuses me. Despite my conscious intentions, I often catch myself daydreaming about becoming rich, powerful, and very famous. All of these mental games reveal to me the fragility of my faith that I am the Beloved One on whom God's favor rests. I am so afraid of being disliked, blamed, put aside, passed over, ignored, persecuted, and killed, that I am constantly developing strategies to defend myself and thereby assure myself of the love I think I need and deserve. And in so doing I move far away from my Father's home and choose to dwell in a 'distant country'".

The story of the prodigal son in the Bible is a story of unconditional love. It is a story of how a father loves his son no matter what he has done in his past. Although parts of the above excerpt may seem overdramatic at first glance, read it again carefully. Look at your own heart and examine the things that you really want. What drives you? What drives us all today? Is it affluence and popularity? Is it acceptance or respect? Are we waking up every morning just to prove to the world that we are someone? Or do we realize that we belong the God and that He loves us no matter what? He loved us when we were helpless babies with dirty diapers, and he loves us when we are helpless adults with failing mutual funds. It's Sunday today. Rest. Rest in the Father's arms.

- Joshua

- _ - _ -

I just got home from church today and read that Blog.. and i got that 'woah this is me' when reading the quote.. "Constantly falling back into an old trap, before I am even fully aware of it, I find myself wondering why someone hurt me, rejected me, or didn't pay attention to me. Without realizing it, I find myself brooding about someone else's success, my own loneliness, and the way the world abuses me." That is me.. I don't like to say it, but I know that it's true. "Despite my conscious intentions, I often catch myself daydreaming about becoming rich, powerful, and very famous." I think i'm getting past that, but there was a time when that was very true of me as well.

I don't know.. I thought that maybe that would just hit someone else as it did to me. (:

secrets secrets are no fun..

unless you share with everyone!

haha.

i went to a postsecret seminar yesterday.
it was really interesting.
there was a part after Frank Warren finished talking and he gave the audience a chance to go up to a microphone and share a secret/ask a question/whatever. That was my favorite part.

there was this one guy, who said ever since his fiancee left him, he hadn't felt anything. he shared his pain of not feeling pain, i think, and how he hadn't smiled in a long time.
i don't want to share the whole story because i tend to ruin stories when i tell them, but that was the main jist of it, and it was my favorite one. Not to lessen the value of any of the other stories, but it was one that i could really relate to.

i've had such an easy life. i don't know why i have so many problems. maybe i create them for myself? perhaps i am just bored.

anyway.

after that, my friends and i walked to ben & jerry's for ice cream. i got a coffee milkshake. so good. but not worth the $5. and this guy came and asked if he could eat his soup with us. he said he was a medical student, in his 4th year. he said he was Catholic, and he believed that having a church to go to and commit yourself to attending on a regular basis was one of the most important things to do. my friends seemed to think he was just a random creep trying to hit on us, but i want to believe that what he said was true. that he was just lonely on a friday night and wanted some company.
he was nice. i liked him. and i can't remember his name. i hate not remembering names. it's like your brain doesn't think the person is important enough to commit their name to memory.

anyway, it was a good night.
hope yours was too. :)

a quote

"The distance between people. In miles. In time. In thought. Staggering, when you think about it."

-Judith Guest (Ordinary People)

maybe it's the exhaustion i am feeling right now. or the headache. or the rest of my sickness. or maybe it's just because i finally have time.

i have real thoughts.
that do not relate to school.


actually, untrue. i am reading this book for school. but whatevs. that is currently irrelevant.

realizations

I have begun to realize that I am one of those people that are afraid of letting themselves go. I don't have much confidence. I look to others for compliments and uplifting remarks.

I think we do need each other, that without love we cannot truly exist.
but how am i to find that love?
how am i to give myself away? to let myself go?

will i ever know?



----------------
i am sick.
i felt like blogging.
i don't know if that made any sense.
SCHOOL REIGNS!